Welcome back to the Parrises Squares season folks! Another season of smacking around a floating iron ball into a goal and directly at your opponents. For those of you who may not know, Parrises Squares is a sport that involves a floating iron ball that players use a stick to move across a pyramid shaped field. One end of the stick has a scoop for scooping, one has a mallet for malleting. 

Testicles, balls, nuts, the ol’ family jewels. There is no part of the body that needs more protection than the baby-makers. Yes, the brain in your head is important, but not as important as the brain between your legs; however, more and more athletes are free-balling it in their baseball pants.

Apparently, the sports section has to cover “actual sports” now, but I was able to get this article past the editors straight to print. It’s time to get funky and rank some balls.

After not making it to Superbowl LIV, Josh Allen was discouraged and depressed. He has since decided that his career as a National Football League (NFL) quarterback is over. The Buffalo Bills made it to the playoffs, won against the Miami Dolphins, and then lost to the Cincinnati Bengals who went on to play the Kansas City Chiefs, who then won the Super Bowl. Allen announced through his Instagram on Monday, Mar. 27 that he is retiring to pursue his newfound passion for making and selling soap. He claimed in his post that the loss was embarrassing enough to encourage him to find new hobbies, and he has since decided that the only way to move forward in his life is to venture into the art of soap-making.

On Wednesday, Mar. 28, the production leaders at Warner Bros. Entertainment reached out to the sports editors of The Lamron to reveal the name, stars, release date, and some pretty major plot points about one of their upcoming films. Ace Ventura 3: The Battle for Victor, starring Jim Carrey and President of SUNY Geneseo Denise Battles in their search for the missing Knights’ mascot, Victor E. Knight, is set to release on Feb. 30, 2024. 

I’m not wasting time with pleasantries. Let’s get into it.

There isn’t a better time to bring up how AWFUL Taylor Swift and her music is than right now with the beginning of her so-called “Eras” tour. More like “Lame-ras”! Here’s the definitive worst of the worst Swift songs. ALSO, it’s only six songs because I CAN’T COUNT HIGHER AND MY MOM SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME!!!

Hey guys. Last year, I (an anonymous, disembodied head hidden in the motherboard of the computers in The Lamron office, charged with coming up with article ideas for this godforsaken publication until Lucifer releases my soul from this—the deepest circle of hell) wrote an article with two anonymous staff members where we ranked each astrology sign based on how good they were in bed. That article made a lot of people pretty mad, so this year I’ve decided to write something even more offensive—THE ADVICE THAT EACH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SHOULD BE FUCKING LISTENING TO.

Who hasn’t doodled a penis in their time? Not many of us. 

If you’re as addicted to TikTok as I am, chances are that your For You Page has been flooded with Hunger Games videos as of recent due to the series’s resurgence in popularity after it was put on Netflix this month. I’ve seen so many different Hunger Games videos, but my favorite videos by far are where people recast the twelve district’s tributes with famous people or characters from shows or movies. These are very entertaining, but I’ve noticed something missing: there are no videos that tell me which district each Geneseo campus organization would be in!  Don’t worry, dear reader, for I have taken the time to painstakingly write this article and feed your curiosity.  Without further ado, because I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat, here is the Hunger Games: Geneseo Edition.

Hello all, and welcome to a review of the single best movie franchise ever made: The Twilight Saga. These movies fucking slap and I’m unashamed to admit that. Nothing could have prepared me for the acid-like trip this watch would take me down, conveying elaborate and philosophically sophisticated themes, culminating in the single best viewing experience I’ve ever had. 

The Backyardigans look like a rag-tag group of animal-like things that are best friends who solve mysteries. The animal-things include the following: an orange moose thing, a blue penguin, some type of bug or something pink with antennae (I have no idea), the purple thing that looks like a kangaroo, and finally the yellow thing in the orange dress that looks like a hippo.

Keep this between you and me, but I’m about to put you on to the most secret, underground, up-and-coming indie artist of the 2020s. Born and raised in Reading, PA, this artist has been writing and creating music for over fifteen years, but has struggled to become a household name, selling less than 115 million albums over the course of her career. Yesterday, I walked around campus playing her music through my boombox, and had several students stop me on the street, wanting to hear more and making comments like, “Wow, this is so alternative,” “Oh my gosh—who is this voice I’ve never heard before,” and “Now, THIS is the kind of music I wish they’d play in T.J. Maxx, but it’s just too underground and avant garde.”

Okay people, as you can see this is NOT The Lamron, your regular tomfuckery college newspaper. Here are the rules for The Lamron writers….

Beloved Geneseo mascot Victor E. Knight was found unconscious and intoxicated sprawled on the fountain last night.

Sports—colleges love ‘em, students do ‘em, and personally, I don’t really understand why. In my understanding, sports on college campuses are basically an assortment of seemingly strategized movements to elicit a response, either victorious pride or miserable despair, from their audience. However, I believe that we could accomplish these same feats with much more interesting tactics.

If you live in one of the residence halls here at Geneseo, you might have heard some intriguing, elusive, rotund noises bounding about as you get ready for class or spend time in your dorm room. This past weekend Geneseo authorities finally found the source of this great clatter—and it is not what anyone expected.

In an email to the student body from Campus Auxiliary Services (CAS) Captain Boobed Bimbim, CAS stated that they were aware of the recent student complaints over undercooked chicken in campus dining halls. Bimbim said that while CAS administration had previously considered taking action to address the problems, the uncooked chicken had recently conglomerated and gained consciousness. 

As we all know, college students are broke, often relying on gross dining hall food or the greasy takeout available to us here in Geneseo. For a nice break, here is a cheap and simple recipe for. miso-glazed lobster tails and sesame bok choy!