Ranking The Lamron e-board
E-Board family photo via Co-News Editor Hannah Meyers
Greetings readers! For this edition of The normaL, I’m readily taking the opportunity to be as vicious as possible and rank my fellow e-board members (using their government names) based on completely baseless, yet entirely true, criteria.
1. Emma Mincer (Managing Editor)
This is the easiest decision I have ever had to make. I’m so lucky to have become acquainted with Emma through my two years on e-board; from the elusive presence of her pet frog Pierre, to her unpredictable sightings at writers’ meetings, nothing about Emma is expected. She is rain after a drought. She is sunshine on a cloudy day. She is Emma Mincer.
2. Nevaeh Tucker (Web Editor)
Nevaeh is honestly the chillest of this bunch. If you’re reading this dandy little edition from the comfort of your desktop device, you have Nevaeh to thank for it. She pulls up to e-board, dispels some wisdom, presents ideas, and dips. She is the model e-board member. She also rocks some outerwear (denim jacket, funky sweater, etc.). We love Nevaeh.
3. Matt Keller (Arts and Entertainment Editor)
Something really special about A&E Editor Matt Keller is that he is actually omnipotent! (I cannot prove this to be wholly true, but I also cannot prove it false) Keller is an expert in all things literature, music, and well, the arts and entertainment sphere, along with being a master of dry humor and hearty sighs. Keller once blew his entire savings on an admittedly enticing Disney trip, a factoid which Keller refused to comment on. On top of that, Keller graduated from a class of just 60 people—WOW!
4. Carly Burgio (Co-News Editor)
Burgio is a more recent edition to The Lamron, but one of its most dedicated followers. Burgio works hard to put out topical news articles about national and local matters alike, and uses her sneaky little mitts to dive deep into the inner workings of Geneseo’s English department. Burgio is always on the move, and I don’t know if she sleeps. Worth noting, too, is that she gives great hugs, and has excellent hair. I also really enjoy making silly voices with Carly when I am sad; she is really good at silly voices. I love Carly, and you should too!!!
5. Ghost Owen Vincent
My friend Owen Vincent had a Lamron death after the fall semester, abandoning us in favor of The Sauce. Vincent remains in the e-board group chat, though, as a ghost of The Lamron’s past. He continues to contribute to the paper by liking messages that I presume he finds funny, disastrous, or both. Famously, Vincent once drove to Webster, New York after last year’s edition of The normaL was not distributed, and we remind ourselves of this weekly by praying to his vigil (the name placard we keep on the office bulletin board). Regardless of this act of selflessness, Owen Vincent did not attend my birthday party on Friday, Oct. 21, 2022, and so he cannot rank any higher than fifth on this list.
6. Kaitlin Anzalone (Opinion Editor)
Kaitlin Anzalone would probably take a bullet for me, and I would certainly take one for her. Anzalone famously came back from the dead and laughed in its face. She is the future editor-in-chief for this very paper, and I surely believe that the paper will never be the same. She also (famously) asks some incredibly ludicrous interview questions (how many bolts do you think there are in a Boeing 747 airplane?), to the chagrin of many future Lamron devotees. Finally, Anzalone always has apple sauce, fruit snacks, or a similar sugar-inducing snack on her, and for that I am eternally grateful because I love a silly little snack.
7. Dylan Dariano (Co-Sports Editor)
Dylan is one of the two new sports editors, and normally he would be near-inseparable from his bestie Nathan (see below). I think it’s funnier to separate them, so I’ve separated Dylan and Nathan based on almost no reasoning. I technically met Dylan in August through Starbucks training, and because I’ve known him for approximately two weeks more than Nathan, he makes it into the top ten. He also has glasses. Go Dylan!
8. Ella Pearcy (Knights Life Editor)
Ella Pearcy is a marvelous human being, and an excellent recipe ‘writer.’ She swooped into the position of KL editor and has been a loyal servant of The Lamron’s ever since. Ella is honest, dedicated, and very stylish. I can count on her for a knowing glance when someone says some stupid shit and I want to laugh but I can’t. Thank you, Ella. I love you, Ella.
9. Olive Niccoli (Design Editor)
Olive is the unsung hero of The Lamron; if the website exists because of Nevaeh, then the paper exists thanks to Olive, and that’s pretty dandy! Olive shares an affinity with me for critters and depressing folk songs, which automatically gives her a leg up into the top ten, because I am very self-involved, but also like to share. I’m certain that The Lamron has made Olive want to die on at least one if not many, many occasions, but she’s still here and still designing those papahs.
10. Charlie Shields (Business Manager)
Charlie terrifies me. I love her, but she terrifies me. As someone who cannot do math, I do not know how she does anything that she does. And as someone who is scared of confrontation—I, well, don’t know how she does anything that she does. Charlie has a meddling cat, a sort-of-fiancé, and a killer new haircut. One time, Charlie got me a wrap from Mary Jemison dining hall, and it made me really happy. I haven’t forgotten about that, Charlie. I’ll never forget.
11. Nathan Hubbard (Co-Sports Editor)
Here’s the other pea in the aforementioned sport-pod! Okay, I’m mostly kidding, I know you guys are separate people, but your banter really is excellent; I mean, truly—great comedic timing. As with any comedic duo, one cannot exist without the other, but unfortunately Nathan has a lower spot on the list because I’ve known him for approximately two weeks less than Dylan, and because he doesn’t have glasses. He also has a beard, and beards scare me a little bit. Sorry.
12. Hannah Meyers (Co-News Editor)
Hannah is the other news editor, and I am honestly saddened that she ended up on the latter half of the list. Hannah is effortlessly funny and honestly, real as fuck. Hannah and I share a recent affinity for Herman Melville, and so she knows what it means to suffer at the hands of a white whale.
13. Mollie Wadhams
Mollie has been The Lamron’s photo editor for almost a full academic year now, and she brings a trained eye to the paper’s visual component. She gains points for being a newly-reformed, newly-recovered musical theater major (apologies if this resurrects old wounds, but you are so brave), and for having great style. Mollie slays.
14. Elizabeth Schumacer (Public Relations Manager)
Elizabeth’s placement here is another unfortunate offshoot of it being very difficult to rank your friends based on absolutely no genuine criteria. Elizabeth, I don’t know how this happened, but you are lovely. I like what you said about your shrimp fucking, it made me laugh.
15. Frances Sharples
I don’t really know who this person is, so. Last place.
16. Noel Guidry
This guy isn’t on The Lamron, I just really don’t fucking like him.