Protect your peaches: The importance of cups

Testicles, balls, nuts, the ol’ family jewels. There is no part of the body that needs more protection than the baby-makers. Yes, the brain in your head is important, but not as important as the brain between your legs; however, more and more athletes are free-balling it in their baseball pants.

For those who are unfamiliar, an athletic cup is a curved piece of plastic intended to cradle the nads and protect them from impact during sports. They cost as little as $20 at a sporting goods store but are worth their weight in gold, given their purpose. They slide into a secret compartment in the wearer’s undergarments and hold their nutbag to ensure minimal pain and damage if anything goes south.

It has been reported, by me, that less than 100% of athletes choose to wear the ball bowl while partaking in sports such as badminton. It seems that people are not afraid of the shuttlecock hitting their uh… never mind. A shuttlecock is said to travel at 200+ mph, fast enough to ensure that any unguarded participant will not be contributing to the overpopulation crisis. Some people certainly shouldn’t be reproducing, but that does not mean they should be castrated by the “shuttle-dick,” as coined by fellow-writer Dick Gozinya.

Given the low contact rate in badminton, there are many other sports that are much more dangerous. Diving, for example, is among the most dangerous of the physically exerting activities. A diver from 10 meters up can hit the water at a speed of around 30 mph—twice the speed of the average golf cart. That insane velocity is also reminiscent of a pelican flying at full speed directly into your giggle berries. I, for one, would rather not be sack-tapped by a bird of prey with a weird scrotum-like beak.

There is no sport as risky and adrenaline-inducing as golf, but it is worth noting that it is potentially detrimental to the health and safety of one’s chicken nuggets. A golf ball can move at speeds of 200 mph, and statistically golf balls hit at least one person each year. While that yearly strike could hit someone’s shin or back, it seems far more likely that the white sphere of pain will go directly for the klackers. Not to mention the hazard introduced by the golf carts, which travel at half the speed of a diver from 10m up. Drunk golfers ride around the fairways every day, and the sober golfers are left unprotected in the crotchal region. 

There is nothing funnier than watching someone get hit in the testes, but each and every time we giggle or chuckle at their pain, we are shrugging off the epidemic that plagues the human race: not caring about genitalia. As a society, we need to stop finding humor in the pain of the irreversible damage done to one’s cherries; but, more importantly, we all need to do our part in wearing athletic cups and spreading the word on the importance of these plastic rock refuges.