Balls
Apparently, the sports section has to cover “actual sports” now, but I was able to get this article past the editors straight to print. It’s time to get funky and rank some balls.
Bowling balls. They are heavy, they are slippery, and they have holes. What more could you ask for? There is really only one way to use this ball, though, and that is to roll it. Have you tried throwing one? Because I have, and it didn’t go well. Whoops. This type of ball does have holes that provide good grip, but why only three holes? We have five fucking fingers. This ball gets a 5/10 because it only has three holes, but they can be colorful.
Let’s go the complete opposite direction and look at the ping-pong ball. I’m not endorsing drinking, but there is a very fun game associated with this little ball and some red cups. Not only is this little ball buoyant, but it can easily spread all the germs from the floor when you inevitably miss the cups. These balls also come in multiple colors which is a nice little feature for when you are feeling spicy. Overall, this ball gets a 3/10 because it is probably responsible for the entire pandemic and rampant spread of Frat Flu.
The shuttlecock. Shuttle…cock. Makes you wonder how this little thingy got its name. Maybe it’s a size thing? I mean, we all know guys like to think their thing is the size of a paper towel roll, but it is probably closer in size to the shuttle-dick. The plane-penis also has a little half-ball on the end which makes it a little bouncy. If you didn’t know, you can make testicles bouncy if you inject them with hydrogen peroxide, so maybe that plays into the origin of the shuttlecock. It is also important to note that the lame people call this thingy a “birdie.” Why in the world would you call it a birdie when you can call it a shuttleCOCK? I rest my case. All in all, this ball gets a 7/10 just because of the name.
Along with the shuttleCOCK, I feel there is another ball that should be addressed in this article: the testicle. I mean, they’re there, so we might as well rate them. Phil Accio wrote about how to protect your nuggets, but let’s ignore that. This ball can’t be thrown, it can’t be rolled, but it CAN be kicked. I think that is really one of the only properties of a ball that testicles have, making a mug more of a ball than them. You know what? A mug is a ball. Testicles get a 2/10 because you can kick these for self-defense and that is the only good thing about them.
The final ball I want to look at is a mug. You may be thinking, this person has lost it. There is no hope from here on out. Well, I just want us all to take a step back and think about what a ball really is. A ball is thrown, rolled, and kicked. You can do all these things with a mug and more. Have you ever thrown a mug in a fit of rage? Isn’t it fun when it shatters into a million pieces and then you start aggressively crying on the floor? It’s a whole time that I thoroughly recommend. Mugs get a 10/10 because you can also use them to hold coffee.
These are my rankings and if you don’t like them you can fuck off. Maybe I will come over there and kick you where the sun doesn’t shine. I don’t give a shit. I also could throw a bowling ball at you, so just be aware of that.