25 things you can do with your time that are more valuable than reading The Lamron
I’m not wasting time with pleasantries. Let’s get into it.
Find a religion; create the holy text via Mad Libs.
Get really into Mad Libs.
Solve a 1,000-piece puzzle of all gray pieces.
Make a Letterboxd account that perfectly mimics all of Nate D’Amato’s film choices, then send it to him and make him think that someone is stealing his identity.
Print out and staple every file posted on each of your Canvas courses, and then take the staples out of each packet.
Send out a mass email to every history professor saying that you “really love” their socks, then watch all of them fight to the death in the “Reply All.”
Watch all of Glee.
Rewatch all of Glee.
Make your friends watch all of Glee.
Deal with the emotional damages done to you in the verbal abuse you receive from your friends when you make them watch all of Glee.
Prepare a traditional 12-dish Lithuanian dinner and invite all of your cousins to come to eat it with you (preferably cousins that you have never met or do not know well).
Make a bunch of posters with your face on them, posted with your contact information, in hopes of finding a girlfriend. Oh wait…
Read all of Shakespeare’s sonnets; start writing only in sonnets, including in texts, professional emails, job applications, and essays.
Break your fucking kneecap.
Make a delicious soup with one or more expired ingredients; market it to the track team and set up a soup sale for them to eat the soup. Now they will have upset tummies and won’t be able to run their track workouts all over campus, especially outside of Welles Hall where all the English nerds have to cower while the sweaty manly men run around.
Learn Swedish because yes.
Make clay sculptures of all of The Muppets (the scarier the better) and super-glue them to the floor in Brodie Hall. That’s sure to show them not to cut the art department!
Become Denise Battles.
Become really obsessed and informed about Queen; start dressing up and speaking like Freddie Mercury and refuse to ever admit to anyone that Freddie Mercury has been dead for many decades.
Go vegan.
Convince all of the administration, staff, faculty, and students at SUNY Geneseo that it is a cult that was converted to an “educational institution” in the late 1950s but was never accredited as an actual school. All credentials and degrees the “university” has “issued” are now null and void. I have a feeling that this will not be too difficult to accomplish.
Start a rumor that The Lamron has lice and wets the bed, then start a competing newspaper and take over campus media.
Start a rumor that all of the trees on campus are being torn down for more libraries; start a massive tree-sitting movement.
Get a job on Wall Street but drive to South Hall every morning to see how your stocks are doing.
Re-edit every article of The Lamron; send to lamron.eic@gmail.com. Go to The Lamron office and watch Frances cry as they realize how meaningless the hours, days, weeks, and YEARS of labor they dedicated to this organization have been.