Top 6 WORST Taylor Swift Songs
Author’s Note: This article is satire.
There isn’t a better time to bring up how AWFUL Taylor Swift and her music is than right now with the beginning of her so-called “Eras” tour. More like “Lame-ras”! Here’s the definitive worst of the worst Swift songs. ALSO, it’s only six songs because I CAN’T COUNT HIGHER AND MY MOM SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME!!!
Six: “ME!” from Lover
I actually don’t hate this one that much. In fact, it’s easily one of her best songs. The only reason I’m putting it on this list is because EVERYONE ELSE HATES IT AND I CANNOT STAND HAVING A UNIQUE OPINION!!! I particularly like it when it goes “Eeh-eeh-eeh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.” (9/10)
Five: “Dear John” from Speak Now
This song would be much higher on the list if it weren’t for the fact that it’s objectively one of the best songs written in the 21st century or the fact that it perfectly portrays the unbalanced and oftentimes dangerous imbalance of power in toxic relationships resulting in life-altering damage that will continue to haunt the victim for years to come! How dare Taylor go after my boy John Mayer! Stop talking about your exes!!! (5/10)
Four: “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” from Midnights
This song would be much higher on the list if it weren’t for the fact that it’s objectively one of the best songs written in the 21st century or the fact that it perfectly portrays the unbalanced and oftentimes dangerous imbalance of power in toxic relationships often resulting in life-altering damage that will continue to haunt the victim for years to come! How dare Taylor go after my boy John Mayer! Stop talking about your exes!!! (5/10)
Three: “Red” from 22
No one cares that you’re turning 22! No one cares that red is your favorite color! I especially don’t understand when she says “It's miserable and magical.” What does that even mean? Also, the line, “Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street.” STOP USING ELABORATE METAPHORS THAT TELL THE READER WHAT YOU’RE FEELING IN MEANINGFUL AND SOUL-RENDING WAYS THAT SIMPLE EXPLANATIONS COULD NEVER COMPETE WITH!!! (4/10)
Two: “The Man” from Lover
Taylor CLEARLY doesn’t know what it’s like being a man!!! She wouldn’t survive one day! She thinks it’s all money and fame and power and wage gaps, but she doesn’t know the bitter truth of it all: getting hit in the nugs is OBJECTIVELY more painful than giving birth!!! IT’S SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN (don’t Google it). (2/10)
One: “All Too Well” from Red
Oh. My. God. I have no words to even begin to talk about HOW MUCH I HATE THIS SONG!!! The only thing I can say is that Jake Gyllenhaal really handled the situation well. We all have crazy exes who WILL NEVER GET OVER HOW HORRIBLY THEY WERE TREATED and then every now and then one of them turns out to be the greatest lyricist of our generation. OOPS, my bad. But like I said, Jake Gyllenhaal really knew what he was doing. And he’s smart. AND HE’S HANDSOME! ANY GIRL WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE HIM!!! SO WHAT HE’S IN A DRY SPELL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF A SHITTY SPIDERMAN MOVIE!!! IT WILL END!!! (0/10)