Geneseo’s Parrises Squares team beats the shit out of Brockport

Welcome back to the Parrises Squares season folks! Another season of smacking around a floating iron ball into a goal and directly at your opponents. For those of you who may not know, Parrises Squares is a sport that involves a floating iron ball that players use a stick to move across a pyramid shaped field. One end of the stick has a scoop for scooping, one has a mallet for malleting. 

Anyway, let’s talk about the game. Geneseo’s team squared off against Brockport the other day. Each team had well over a dozen players each, but only four played at a time. Geneseo’s first offender Yuri Nator, sophomore orchard management major, quickly took possession of the ball and jumped down from the third level of the pyramid. Nator was about to jump to the second level of the pyramid when one of Brockport’s offenders body slammed into Nator and the two of them fell down the pyramid. 

Both Nator and the Brockport player were dazed while the ball fell out of Nator’s scoop, which was the perfect opportunity for the Brockport defender to hit the ball with his mallet back up the pyramid. The second Brockport offender ran up the pyramid after the ball while Nator and Brockport’s first offender regained consciousness after falling ten feet off the pyramid. While Brockport’s second offender was scaling the pyramid, long iron stick in tow, Geneseo’s first defender, Vye Agra, junior emergency management major, saw the ball barreling towards the goal. Agra swung the mallet and the ball and sent it flying back over the pyramid, again to the Brockport side. 

Nator was just starting to run up the pyramid again when the ball flew directly into his face, sending him careening back down the pyramid. Geneseo’s second offender, senior ethics major Pat Myaz, ran—well, more like fell—down the pyramid towards the ball and managed to scoop it up. Myaz threw the ball at Brockport’s goal, but Brockport’s second defender smacked it with his mallet. The ball flew right into Nator again just as he was getting up. Nator proceeded to vomit on the field and collapse into his half-digested lunch. 

At this point, the ref called time to make sure that Nator was all right. Agra ran to Nator shouting “Everyone step back! I’m an emergency management major!” Everyone did not step back for the emergency management major. Rather, both teams gathered around Nator in a haphazard crowd that made it difficult to tell anything about Nator’s condition. At some point, the teams began shouting at each other and Myaz swung his mallet at Brockport’s first offender, hitting him square in the jaw. Brockport’s second defender swung at Myaz, but not before Agra hit him in the gut with his mallet. Total chaos ensued and mallets started flying around. 

Geneseo’s second defender and freshman archival administration major Ollie Tabooger managed to break away from the fight after receiving a bloody nose. Tabooger saw the ball floating aimlessly around the court and sprinted over to it. Brockport’s first defender ran after Tabooger and the two tumbled with each other over possession of the ball. For a long time. Like, a very long time. Like boys, get a room already, and keep your pants on. After the raucous tumble, a pants-less Tabooger left the Brockport defender on the ground, his ass still weak from their “wrestling,” and managed to scoop up the ball and throw it at Brockport’s goal, scoring the first and only goal of the game. Because after the goal was scored, nearly every Brockport player had been beaten or fucked to death.

Next week, Geneseo will face off against Oswego in Parrises Squares, who knows who will be beaten or fucked this time. See you all there!