Recent CAS dining update claims undercooked chicken gained sentience, heads CAS customer satisfaction committee

In an email to the student body from Campus Auxiliary Services (CAS) Captain Boobed Bimbim, CAS stated that they were aware of the recent student complaints over undercooked chicken in campus dining halls. Bimbim said that while CAS administration had previously considered taking action to address the problems, the uncooked chicken had recently conglomerated and gained consciousness.  

“Somehow we fucked up chicken enough to create a monster,” Bimbim said in the email. “We don’t know what to do with him, and he’s taken to hanging around the CAS offices. I think he’s here to stay.” 

In a phone interview following the email, Bimbim described the chicken monster as “large, shambling, and moist to the touch.” He said that the monster has not spoken yet but is polite to all CAS office staff.

“He’s actually fitting in rather well. He’s nicer and more helpful than most CAS administrators, so it’s a pleasant change of pace. Last week he even unjammed the printer that’s been giving us some trouble. We like him,” Bimbim said. 

In the week since the campus-wide email, CAS confirmed that the special committee addressing student complaints over improperly or undercooked food in dining halls is now headed by the chicken monster. The committee is expected to release a statement and action plan soon on how to cook a goddamn chicken breast correctly.

Some SUNY Geneseo students are receptive to the change in leadership and have hopes that CAS administration will continue in this direction. Senior Spanish and biophysics double major Slobhan Disnut said, “It’s a bold choice for sure. I think it’s a good indicator that CAS is really hearing these student complaints and taking them to heart.”

Despite the change in leadership, Disnut said that she still was not planning on eating dining hall food. 

“It’s poopy man, what else can I say? I’m sure the chicken is a great guy and all, but he’s still made of raw chicken, right? Man’s probably a walking case of salmonella, and that’s not something I’m interested in being around,” she said.

Many Geneseo students are equally skeptical of CAS food. 

“I don’t trust that shit man. Last year my friend got syphilis from CAS chicken and I don’t think I can move on from that,” said freshman chemistry major Landon Mighkok. “I guess we’ll see if the chicken gets any better.”