Geneseo authorities crack down on lethal ping-pong ring

If you live in one of the residence halls here at Geneseo, you might have heard some intriguing, elusive, rotund noises bounding about as you get ready for class or spend time in your dorm room. This past weekend Geneseo authorities finally found the source of this great clatter—and it is not what anyone expected.

“I’ve been hearing really strange, non-violent noises for weeks now, probably since the beginning of the semester,” remarked one student, who wished to remain anonymous. “It even woke me up in the middle of the night a few times… It’s not loud, really. Just… numerous.” Another student of the same residence hall added: “Yeah… it’s a really specific and weird noise. It almost sounds like the clicking of about a hundred or so ping-pong balls.”

Remarkably enough, this bizarre noise was just that—hundreds of ping-pong balls. On Saturday, Mar. 27, the University Police Department (UPD) raided the recreation area of Wayne Hall’s basement floor to find it covered wall-to-wall in ping pong tables, occupied by mortified players. Though this discovery explained the sound—one that could, once again, only be described as the clambering of many, many ping-pong balls—it left authorities with more questions than answers. Why were residents up so late playing ping-pong, rather than, say, downing shooters and stealing from crowded basements? Clearly, some outsourcing would be necessary.

Because the University Police spend so much of their time on the valiant effort of giving out parking tickets, they were forced to hire a private investigator to get to the bottom of this ping-pong-pickle. The P.I.—who also wished to remain anonymous, and will from hereon be referred to as P.I. PP, or just PP—found answers with surprising efficiency. After informing UPD that they should let the pongers off with a warning after the first offense, P.I. PP raided the basement the very next night. 

This second raid caused a much greater stir for the culprits. One young man even peed a bit in his pants out of fear, and, according to PP, he knew that this student would be easy to get information from. He took the pee boy to a separate, temporary office (the Wayne Hall library) and locked the rest of the players in the basement while he gleaned the information he needed.

The interrogation reportedly lasted five minutes. The student—who wishes to go by the pseudonym Josh, revealed that the ping-pong ring has been going on since the first semester. 

“It started off as just a thing between me and a few friends. We didn’t really think it would become something so violent,” he said.

According to Josh, he and a few friends started playing ping-pong in the basement to relax between study sessions. They found it a fun, stimulating way to take a break from hitting the books. However, as their games got a bit rowdier, they found themselves the source of sudden attention from other residents. Students came to the basement requesting to join in on games, some even bringing their own paddles and ping-pong balls. 

“It was really fun,” Josh reminisced, his eyes brimming with the tears of soiled hope, “but then Papa Pong started coming around.”

Papa Pong, as P.I. PP came to understand, was the name Josh and other players used to refer to a student who began playing with them earlier this semester. Papa Pong did not care for the fun-loving nature of ping-pong—Papa Pong was there to win, and to win big. 

“Papa Pong didn’t settle for the fun parts of the game. He wanted to place big bets—more than just a few snacks from the vending machine or help with homework. He wanted… blood.” 

At this point Josh had become restless, refusing to look PP in the eyes. “One night, we were just playing a few rounds as normal. Then after his doubles team lost and his partner wanted to go around, he and Papa Pong went into the hallway for a long time. Papa Pong came back a while later and picked a new partner. We haven’t seen his old partner since.”

Papa Pong, according to Josh’s account (his statements were later reinforced by fellow players) was the expeditor of the pong-ball ring. He brought in his own tables and equipment, and invited members from other halls to join in on the tournaments until the games spanned the entire recreation room. When P.I. PP asked how they were able to hide the tables from Residence Assistants for so long, Josh simply remarked: “Papa does anything to make sure nobody sees what he does—what we do.”

After confirming the recount from Josh, P.I. PP and University Police had enough information to detain Papa Pong. He is currently awaiting a conduct meeting, with a bail set for 100 retail dollars.