I hate all of you and here’s how you can fix that based on your zodiac sign

Hey guys. Last year, I (an anonymous, disembodied head hidden in the motherboard of the computers in The Lamron office, charged with coming up with article ideas for this godforsaken publication until Lucifer releases my soul from this—the deepest circle of hell) wrote an article with two anonymous staff members where we ranked each astrology sign based on how good they were in bed. That article made a lot of people pretty mad, so this year I’ve decided to write something even more offensive—THE ADVICE THAT EACH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SHOULD BE FUCKING LISTENING TO.

I’ve been a disembodied head at this school for quite a while now; even so, without a body or any organs, I’m starting to realize that even I have more heart than most of the people at this school, so it’s time to listen up. Please, for the love of all that is holy… listen the fuck up.

Aries: CHILL TF OUT!

I’m hopeful that the hellish Geneseo winter-spring just has you feeling a little unhinged because if you don’t chill soon, some shit is going to go down and I mean that. Reevaluate where you’re at rn, and STAY OFF OF YIK YAK. Love u. Get well soon xx.

Taurus: Stay in your lane!!!

Taurus, you’ve been laying pretty low this year, and let me tell you—we are all grateful for that. You have a lot of potential, Taurus, and it shines brightest when you’re in alignment with yourself. That means going to Orchard less. No more Four Loko for you, you’re crazy enough.

Gemini: STOP. JUST STOP. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!

I’m so serious this time, I need you to stop. I am literally begging you. It’s time to pick up a craft, a hobby, a Bible, something–ANYTHING. At this rate, you’re going to end up at Lauderdale, or WORSE—the Theta Chi basement. Please, PLEASE STOP!!!!!!!!!

Cancer: Pull yourself together.

Everyone has their flop eras, but this shit has gone on long enough. The semester will be over before you know it, so it’s time—GO TO CLASS. WRITE YOUR PAPER. GET A FUCKING JOB. I know this is harsh for your crybaby ass, but it’s time someone told you.

Leo: heyyyyyy!

You haven’t been stepping out much this semester, but that could change at any moment. Before you do, STOP! Aren’t you, at your core, happier when the universe is peaceful? Even if that doesn’t mean you’re at the center? No? Okay. Just let the rest of us finish this semester.

Virgo: Listen to Flo Milli.

You’re slaying this semester, Virgo—stressors and bullshit aside, you’re making moves and the universe will reward you so long as your brain doesn’t get in the way. Take a nice deep inhale (of what, I won’t say), plug in, and put on Ho, why is you here ? You’ll thank me later.

Libra: Girl I know but chill.

It’s hard to be a beautiful girly in a world as cruel as this one, but remember—the way the world treats you doesn’t need to be the way you treat the world. As gorgine as you are, Libras have an ugly streak—let’s keep that from showing. Drink your iced chai and keep it going.

Scorpio: Just a reminder of consequences.

Scorpio, you rock, but you scare me so much, and sometimes you are so, so mean. This is a tough point in the semester for everyone; thus, try to keep some kindness in your heart. You’d be surprised what can happen when you smile from underneath that thick black eyeliner.

Sagittarius: Go batshit crazy.

I know everyone is expecting me to police your actions most of all, Sag, but I won’t do it. While every single one of these motherfuckers has been acting INSANE recently, you’re the only one who is astronomically pre-destined to be crazy, so go off! Just don’t start any fires or anything. Love u girl.

Capricorn: Maybe you should get on somethin’...

Call it what you want—mindfulness, drugs, SSRIs, whatever. No matter what it is, it’s likely that you need it, Capricorn. We just reached a stressful point in the semester and you’re a stressful person to be around. Personally, I can’t handle it, so something has to change.

Aquarius: be normal.

This is advice that I’ve never given before, but it has actually become super necessary recently because everyone is acting insane. Aquarius, you are the quirkiest sign around; thus, you determine the parameters for the behavior that we consider normal. So please, please, HELP!

Pisces: BE FUCKING NORMAL.

It’s hardly ever you, girl, but this time it is. You’re acting out, and for why?! I know you’ll be crying in your bedroom over this one, but it needs to be said: go to therapy, play your Taylor Swift, and work through what you need to work through. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. Get well.

Suck it up buttercup and fix yourself. If you don’t like this article fucking burn it. Not my problem.