POV I’m the new Director of Athletics

Sports—colleges love ‘em, students do ‘em, and personally, I don’t really understand why. In my understanding, sports on college campuses are basically an assortment of seemingly strategized movements to elicit a response, either victorious pride or miserable despair, from their audience. However, I believe that we could accomplish these same feats with much more interesting tactics.

If Geneseo sports were to be completely renovated tomorrow, these are the “sports” that I would work to bring to our school…

1. Recreational swimming: This is just fun. I don’t understand why the spectatorship of this sport is needed—I understand that the swimmer people like swimming, but I like swimming too, and I would like to join please but without the racing. Plus, if swimming was opened up to everyone, we could all wear super cute swimsuits and goggles.

2. Field days: This was one of the only “sports” that I could get behind as a kid. The comradery? The community? The color-coded teams? I think that this could do wonders for our campus community.

3. Skateboarding: I already like to comment on the performance of people skateboarding around campus and ask them to do tricks. We might as well make it a sport so that my commentary specifically is justified.

4. Horse or dog watching: NOT racing. We should have regular access to looking at and petting animals, and I think that we have the resources for both of these activities on campus already. Maybe we can even make sweaters for the little animals and take pictures of them and give them hugs and all be best friends.

5. Skipping: This shit is intense. My friend Noel Guidry is the best skipper in the whole world. He jumps SO HIGH, guys, you literally wouldn’t believe it. There is such strength and elegance in his movement—he is just a lanky boy, bounding up towards the moon. If that isn’t a sport, then I don’t know what is. I would pay MONEY to watch that boy skip.

6. Winter running to Orchard Street: This one is actually only fun as a spectator sport. Living on North Campus, I regularly observe all the cute lil partiers in their cute lil outfits off to their plans for the night; however, in the dead of winter, this sashé becomes much more frantic. If we got a heated booth on the corner of Orchard to watch everyone stumbling over themselves in heels, trying not to spill their drink, I think we could have a great time.

7. Going under the big parachute thing like we did in elementary school: Literally nothing will ever bring me joy the way that this once did. Again, not a spectator sport, but I seriously don’t get why we feel the need to experience joy through the accomplishments of others. Just let me sit under the parachute with my friends.

If it wasn’t clear from this article, I don’t really understand the purpose or concept of sports! We just needed to fill space in the paper.