With the film adaptation of Susanna Collins’s prequel novel, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, hitting the big screen, the franchise's popularity has soared in status once again. This has made me wonder: how would all of the lovely folks here at The Lamron fare in a battle to the death relying on wits and pure physicality? 

Michele the Library Dog has been a beloved member of the SUNY Geneseo campus for several years. Every Thursday morning, Michele is surrounded by students in need of a distraction from their hectic schedules and coursework. We got a chance to sit and interview Michele, who had a lot to say about the students who see her monthly on Thursdays in the Fraser Library.

It has long been an urban legend that if you graduate from SUNY Geneseo while still a virgin, the Emmeline Wadsworth Memorial Fountain, known as the iconic “bear fountain,” on Main Street between Center and Bank Streets will come to life and maul you to death.

Breen? Breen. A Breen-ius, one might say. A filmmaker to surpass Bergman, Kurosawa, Ozu, and Frake-Waterfield. 

It was recently announced that Guy Fieri would be stepping down as the mayor of Flavortown after his eighteen-year run in the public eye. Fieri won Food Network’s “Next Food Network Star” in 2006 and has starred in multiple long-lasting cooking shows ever since. Townies and casuals alike are left wondering who, exactly, could ever take this legend’s place. In the modern age, it is hard to come by a man with frosted tips so frosty and shirts so “dad-at-a-Creed-concert” anymore—he really is the face of an integral early 2000s aesthetic long left to rot. 

As a nineteen-year-old teenage girl who likes sports in the 21st century, I have been gifted one of the best gifts of all: TikTok. Of course, I like watching sports—I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t—but there is just something so mmm about a man in uniform, a sports uniform that is, most specifically in the National Hockey League (NHL). Us girls on TikTok will spend hours raking through interviews and game films to provide a select audience with hot men. Through my hours of research, I have become a pro and am fully authorized to rank the top three most attractive players in the league, and the three least attractive players in the league.

Over the past couple of weeks, there has been talk of yet another new club here on campus, and I am here to report that this may be true. A little birdie on campus has been tweeting about a club called “The Gaslighters Gathering.” This club has been making waves around campus, but little information can be found on it. So, I made it my personal mission to interview some of its new members. This proved to be a more difficult task than anticipated. 

Per Lamron alum Mia Donaldson, “Greetings readers! For this edition of The normaL, I’m readily taking the opportunity to be as vicious as possible and rank my fellow e-board members (using their government names) based on completely baseless, yet entirely true, criteria.”

Hulk Hogan is widely known for his cornball antics of being a patriotic, wrastlin’ lovin’ “real American,” and his iconic “YEAH BROTHER” slogan. If you were to ask any avid wrestling fan who their favorite wrestler of all time was, however, it would never be Hulk Hogan. Hogan is a controversial figure inside and outside of the wrestling world for many reasons, and he is not the person I would look up to. I mean if I look at him for too long, I start to feel physically ill. I’m feeling sick just thinking about it. Alright, let’s get this over with.

I’ve been given the privilege this week to come on here and speak out against the indecent media our younger generation addictively consumes. As a mom of four kids and a recent Geneseo graduate (class of ‘90), I advocate that our little darlings should not be allowed to read. The story you’re about to hear isn’t pretty, like my fellow Parent Teacher Association (PTA) member who hasn’t been pulling her weight in our carpooling system (and trust me, she has a lot of weight): Susan. Susan, if you're reading this, your little Timothy is walking home next week; #sorrynotsorry. 

Finally, the time has come when the age of Aquarius—a time of harmony and perfection throughout all of humanity—has approached. The world's saviors, Elon Musk, creator of Tesla and SpaceX, and internet sensation and icon, Trisha Paytas, have at last come together to ensure the immaculate rebirth of her second child. 

“Karma’s a bitch,” but Jojo Siwa is a genius. Siwa has gone from a high ponytail-wearing, bow-making, Nickelodeon star to an alternative, tattoo-covered butch lesbian icon. She has rocked the world with the rebrand of the century. Unlike other artists before her who have struggled to bridge the gap between being a child star and having a serious adult career, Jojo Siwa has meticulously and perfectly executed the switch. There are no wrecking balls here, only total bad girl vibes and black rhinestones. 

As SUNY Geneseo prepares to join the Empire 8 conference, the Knights intend to add an esports team to their list of varsity squads. Shortened from “electronic sports,” esports have been sweeping the world with competitions that feature anything from simulated football to simulated warfare. The TechKnights, as they will be known, are expected to become the most popular team on campus, overtaking Geneseo’s coveted Ice Knights.

Yes. I actually did this—over the course of two days, I visited each and every men’s bathroom with the academic buildings on SUNY Geneseo’s campus. Though bathroom critique is no perfect science, I used six general criteria to determine where each bathroom fell in the lineup. These were: overall aesthetic, sink water pressure, quality and quantity of toilet paper, whether or not there was soap, comfort of urination, and comfort of defecation. 

For the past number of weeks, Shohei Ohtani’s long-time friend and interpreter Ippei Mizuhara has been under investigation. In a very complicated storyline, Mizuhara allegedly transferred four and a half million dollars from Ohtani’s account, and has been officially accused of “massive theft.” This theft has been connected to an illegal bookmaker, the title for somebody who illegally collects bets in anticipation of paying out if the bettor wins. The baseball world is waiting for an answer. Many feel that Ohtani’s interpreter may be covering for Ohtani himself—even though the initial allegation was against Mizuhara. Everyone wants to know who’s behind this illegal act to get a sense of justice, but not me. My main concern: who has the locks?