Walls: They’re watching you
Photo courtesy of Photo Editor, Faith Zatlukal
Wait, did you see that wall move? I swear it’s watching me. HELPPPPP.
Throughout a person’s life, they will always have at least someone to be thankful for. Their guardians, friends, and amenities make life that much more enjoyable. Citizens worldwide forget that having a group of people is crucial to maintaining their health and happiness. Sadly, this has become an epidemic of forgetfulness and ingratitude and is now reaching critical levels. Naturally, this can only pertain to one clear entity: Walls.
While it might seem that walls are non-living, non-sentient structures, research has proven otherwise. Scientists across the country, from the secret (well, not so secret now) government laboratories in Upstate New York to locations in the Southwest, such as the slightly taller Hoover Dam inside the imposter Hoover Dam, have discovered that walls are, in fact, alive.
While average citizens can’t determine how their walls are alive, science has found a way! At least for those who can afford it…the rest will happily receive a subscription service, appropriately named WallPlus, for the cost of only one hour of sleep every night and a person’s second least-liked family member.
By carefully extracting a new substance called Barrierium (dear reader, I am not the one naming such substances— send your complaints to the scientists, not me), they have discovered that walls are not only alive but also feel pain and emotions— and have an eidetic memory. So, every time you punch, yell at, or paint a wall without its consent, that wall remembers. Scientists have found that even in intimate situations— in the bedroom —the walls see everything, even if they don’t want to. No one, not even the walls, wants to witness that. No offense.
Above all, however, is the more intricate knowledge derived from the scientists' research. When running rudimentary tests to determine the extent to which walls can feel pain at the Hoover Dam site, an almost undetectable frequency was emitted from all the walls in the vicinity, even those not being tested at the time. The following information is based on hearsay and conflicting reports from those who remember the incident.
Immediately after the frequency began, the scientists closest to the tested wall— what is now labeled as "the affected" —lost consciousness and began to, as reports say, "act as if they were circus clowns and acrobats performing tricks during a show." Precisely what that means is unclear, as the few workers who witnessed this phenomenon soon joined their colleagues in unresponsiveness. Hours after the incident began, all facility members woke up with almost no recollection of the event, and the frequency seemed to disappear.
No major injuries were reported, but once medical personnel arrived to assess the situation. Every employee mentioned the same thing: The walls were closer. Not larger or taller, but the space seemed to have become that much tighter— as if the walls were warning the scientists not to experiment again, lest more dire consequences follow.
After the incident, all responses from the major testing sites have been silent, and requests for comments have been vehemently denied. While this might seem like a one-time event, and we can now coexist in harmony with this newly discovered species, I do have to wonder one thing: Why, after centuries of existence, have the walls displayed this type of power? And what does this mean, if anything, for our place as the current apex species?