I HATE THIS FUCKING GUY
Hulk Hogan is widely known for his cornball antics of being a patriotic, wrastlin’ lovin’ “real American,” and his iconic “YEAH BROTHER” slogan. If you were to ask any avid wrestling fan who their favorite wrestler of all time was, however, it would never be Hulk Hogan. Hogan is a controversial figure inside and outside of the wrestling world for many reasons, and he is not the person I would look up to. I mean if I look at him for too long, I start to feel physically ill. I’m feeling sick just thinking about it. Alright, let’s get this over with.
It is honestly a miracle that this man’s career recovered as swiftly as it did. Hogan was involved in several lawsuits, such as the one in the early 1990s in which company leader Vince McMahon was put on trial for the shipment of steroids. Hogan admitted to using the substances but protected McMahon. If you don’t already know, McMahon is an absolute sleazeball of a human being and the wrestlers who do protect him are just as guilty. In 2012, a sex tape was released between Hogan and a woman who was NOT his wife, but the wife of his close friend who had previously featured Hogan on his radio station. In this tape, he was spewing racist comments targeted towards Black men and his daughter. You would think Hogan would be blacklisted to the depths of hell but he keeps coming back like a little cockroach.
Hogan should be a reminder to every pasty white girl that you should avoid that goddamn tanning bed if you don’t want to look like a textured leather couch by the time you’re twenty. If you don’t believe me just look up a picture of this man. If you still don’t believe me then look at any video of him in 2003. Scary, isn’t it? There is something so jarring about a leathery tan man with the most horrifying platinum blonde mustache and hair. Don’t look at the screen too long or else your eyes will literally start to bleed; it’s not worth the torture.
If I ever start losing the radius of my hairline, please euthanize me as soon as possible. I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror let alone add on a variety of shitty bandanas over the course of 25 years. He is literally King Neptune, covering his enormous bald spot with a paper bag. Some people just can’t rock the Seinfeld hairstyle and Hogan is a primary example of that. It’s time to let it go, man.
Astonishingly, Hogan’s career made it past the 1990s and 2000s, in which he continued to prove that he’s not only an awful person, but awful in the ring as well. His matches are an eyesore, they are incredibly boring and devoid of any kind of energy or variety in his move-set. If I had a nickel for every time this man spammed a leg drop in a single match, I would be swimming in dollar bills right now. Hogan had matches against legendary superstars such as the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, The Rock, and the list goes on. I urge you to watch Hulk Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels at Summerslam 2005. You will not regret it. It’s probably the worst match I’ve seen and that is most definitely on Michaels, as well, but this should have never been booked as a match in the first place.
Hogan sucks, he’s awful, stinky, leathery, racist, homophobic, and a garbage wrestler with a terrible gimmick. There are several wrestlers I could have written about here, but he simply takes the cake because along with The Rock, John Cena, and the Undertaker, he is one of the most popular WWE superstars of all time. His career, however, is just as disappointing as the average Joe.