For all those who are trying to reconnect with nature, this dirt cake recipe is perfect. This recipe was hand-crafted by an exclusive chef from the mean streets of Bethel NY, where mud and dirt are aplenty.  

Last night a local cover band by the name of The Composts played a gig at sushi restaurant, Drumroll. They were the penultimate act out of thirteen and were followed only by the night’s long-anticipated main act. Whether due to sushi-induced-food-comas, or the fact that it was close to 1 a.m., by the time the band hit the stage, attendees did not seem to be notably phased by what myself and the restaurant owners are dubbing the “worst band ever.”

Spring break has just passed, and a large number of people are returning from tropical locations. Those who went have come back with glowing tans from the natural rays of the sun. Many of those, though, that do not travel to warmer locations still desire that “glowing goddess” look, even in the winter. Yet, those self-tanners may cause some to end up with patchy or unnaturally orange tans. 

The only people whose opinions are correct in the world pertaining to movies are those of the Film Bros, and even though this is an undeniable fact, there is a major issue with these individuals that not enough people are discussing…they all have it wrong.

Jaw-dropping sunset views, the singing of frat row, and the smell of fresh cow in the early morning—you know what that must mean! Love Island UK is back for the summer! This year, due to gloomy weather and an impressive overselling by the college, the 2024 season that was originally set to be filmed in Franschhoek, South Africa, will now be filmed on our very own SUNY Geneseo campus.

According to an anonymous psychic’s vision, The Lamron office is said to burn down from arson on Mar. 31, 2023. The University Police Department (UPD) is investigating the case, and they do have some leads.

On Friday, Mar. 31, a Geneseo student was shocked when they made their way into the women’s bathrooms in the basement of MacVittie Union to find a swarm of Teddy Bears covered in a white powdery substance. 

If you, an innocent passerby, were to stumble into a staff meeting in The Lamron office some fine Monday evening, it would not be surprising to hear the angelic voice of Kaitlin Anzalone proclaiming that “we are a family.” Sounds endearing, right? 

Have you ever walked into a room and had someone say to you, “it smells like updog in here”? You may be thinking that it is just a silly little ditty to get you to say “what’s updog?” but there seems to be much more than meets the eye here. Anecdotes having to do with this elusive “updog” are likely a dog-whistle phrase (no pun intended) for an undercover operations division of the University Police Department (UPD). According to whispers around campus, the University Police Dark Ops in Geneseo, otherwise known as the UPDOG, has been operating in secret around campus since SUNY Geneseo’s establishment in 1871. 

After nearly three years of little to no progress on the renovation of the Milne Library, it has been announced that a new batch of asbestos will be embedded into the building’s core. This comes after several semesters of construction at the cost of millions of dollars, though the decision has growing support from students. 

Given its location in a small town, SUNY Geneseo’s nightlife is less than ideal, especially for those who are under the age of 21. Even then, although Main Street heralds a decent bar scene, it lacks any clubs or other “dancing facilities,” let alone any that are open after 2 a.m. Well, fear not, Geneseo partiers, because Geneseo’s hottest club is on the horizon, and it’s not what you’re expecting. 

Imagine the surprise of countless Geneseo students when they awoke yesterday morning (Mar. 30 2023) to not only the corpses of the damned floating into their living spaces, but also wet toes (which is objectively worse). You heard that right, folks—due to the recent onslaught of storms wreaking havoc on campus, the Tombs of Asinus, sealed by our very first college president back in 18… something, has been unearthed.

Have you ever craved eggs? Me neither! Eggs are actually the most disgusting food out there, and the fact that we as humans eat cooked embryos makes me understand why we are killing the earth and destroying the ozone layer despite scientists’ warnings that we are eliminating our chances at long-term life on this planet. Anyway, here is a fun recipe that will get you on your RA’s shit list faster than you can say “green eggs and ham!”

Happy April Fool’s Day fools! We got the short end of the stick this week and had to write Invasion of Privacy, so we decided to play God by putting two random strangers in a Zoom room and asking them a bunch of questions about The Lamron. These two lucky strangers ended up being our (Frances and Carly’s) respective dads.

It has come to The Lamron’s attention that the various shrimps on campus are having too much sex. As alarming as this may seem, many questions arise: where are these shrimps coming from? How are they reproducing so fast? How will this impact the Geneseo student body? Only time will tell, but I have done some investigating as to what could be amiss. 

Welcome back to the Parrises Squares season folks! Another season of smacking around a floating iron ball into a goal and directly at your opponents. For those of you who may not know, Parrises Squares is a sport that involves a floating iron ball that players use a stick to move across a pyramid shaped field. One end of the stick has a scoop for scooping, one has a mallet for malleting. 

Testicles, balls, nuts, the ol’ family jewels. There is no part of the body that needs more protection than the baby-makers. Yes, the brain in your head is important, but not as important as the brain between your legs; however, more and more athletes are free-balling it in their baseball pants.

Apparently, the sports section has to cover “actual sports” now, but I was able to get this article past the editors straight to print. It’s time to get funky and rank some balls.

After not making it to Superbowl LIV, Josh Allen was discouraged and depressed. He has since decided that his career as a National Football League (NFL) quarterback is over. The Buffalo Bills made it to the playoffs, won against the Miami Dolphins, and then lost to the Cincinnati Bengals who went on to play the Kansas City Chiefs, who then won the Super Bowl. Allen announced through his Instagram on Monday, Mar. 27 that he is retiring to pursue his newfound passion for making and selling soap. He claimed in his post that the loss was embarrassing enough to encourage him to find new hobbies, and he has since decided that the only way to move forward in his life is to venture into the art of soap-making.

On Wednesday, Mar. 28, the production leaders at Warner Bros. Entertainment reached out to the sports editors of The Lamron to reveal the name, stars, release date, and some pretty major plot points about one of their upcoming films. Ace Ventura 3: The Battle for Victor, starring Jim Carrey and President of SUNY Geneseo Denise Battles in their search for the missing Knights’ mascot, Victor E. Knight, is set to release on Feb. 30, 2024.