Shrimp-Spot: Are the shrimps on campus having too much sex?
It has come to The Lamron’s attention that the various shrimps on campus are having too much sex. As alarming as this may seem, many questions arise: where are these shrimps coming from? How are they reproducing so fast? How will this impact the Geneseo student body? Only time will tell, but I have done some investigating as to what could be amiss.
News of this issue first came to my attention when resident shrimp owner and Lamron Public Relations Coordinator, Elizabeth Schumacher said, “I need someone to take my shrimps off of my hands, they are having too much sex, and reproducing faster than my tank can hold them.”
To fully understand the gravity of this spike in shrimp population here at Geneseo, it is important to know how shrimps reproduce, and how to halt mating rituals. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, “Mating occurs [when] the male [is] at a right angle to the female, transferring a spermatophore to a specialized receptacle on the female’s abdomen. Six to 20 hours after mating, the female begins to produce a large quantity of eggs, which she carries under her abdomen. The quantity of eggs depends on the species and the individual.”
Little research has been conducted on shrimp contraception, but it can be inferred that condoms, birth control, and implants may work. Though it is not recommended, and has never been tested, consider crushing up a birth control pill and sprinkling it into the tank. One could also try unwrapping a condom and placing it into the tank for the shrimp to use, though this could be too big for their tiny shrimp bodies. Male shrimps also do not have penises, and instead eject sperm through a small orifice on their body, and therefore have no meat to wrap.
Once female shrimps lay their eggs, there is little to be done about stopping their rapid reproduction. “I just flush them down the toilet,” said Schumacher. “It seemed like the best option at the time—they were just having so much sex!”
The DOA warns that “After developing, the eggs are released. These eggs hatch into larvae…The larvae go through a series of…for a period of 30 to 50 days. After this time, they become post-larvae, or tiny shrimp, approximately 0.5 inch in length.”
Shrimps could be hiding anywhere. Copy Editor Mia Donaldson wants to remind students that “any sex where both members are under five foot three inches is shrimp sex. If you do not meet those height requirements, you can never have shrimp sex.” Though those under 5’3” can participate in “shrimp” sex, The Lamron’s official statement on shrimp sex is that “we do not condone caridea-human sex.” If you or someone you love is participating in caridea-human sex, please contact Elizabeth Schumacher. This is a trying time for all, but we must persist.
What this means for campus is unknown. The possibility of shrimp eggs hatching and ending up in our water systems is almost guaranteed. It can be assumed that any consumed shrimp will immediately die on impact to the stomach due to its high acid level; thus the possibility of shrimps living in our tummies is slim, but still present. It is important to remember that if your shrimps are having sex, that it is safe, sane, and consensual. Remember to encourage your shrimps to use birth control and if you find shrimp in your drinking water, contact Elizabeth Schumacher.