Several Geneseo campus student leaders exposed for nepotism

If you, an innocent passerby, were to stumble into a staff meeting in The Lamron office some fine Monday evening, it would not be surprising to hear the angelic voice of Kaitlin Anzalone proclaiming that “we are a family.” Sounds endearing, right? 

Wrong.

Over the course of the last several months, it has come to the attention of the campus community that there are many clubs who share e-board members. By looking at the members of The Lamron alone, you will find that at least 5 of the editors have effortlessly slithered their way into the leadership roles of other organizations: Iris Magazine, Creative Writing Club, and even the Sigma Tau Delta English Honors Society. Of course, all the while, the uprising of so-called “nepo-baby” celebrities on social media has made everyone aware of the alarming reality that nepotism is, indeed, alive and well in our society today. 

In turn, rumors have run rampant while conspiracy theories have been born about these leaders and their intentions. These ponderings beg the question: is this so-called “family” spreading its “impact” for the well-being of campus organizations, or are they spreading a bloodline whose missions are deeply malicious?

Two members of the Sigma Tau Delta e-board have finally taken on the weighty responsibility of giving the people the answers they deserve. These two brave souls are, indeed, breaking their silence; they are speaking their truth. Regretfully, they informed us, in the words of Lizzo, all the rumors are true: our campus is fully infested with greedy, power-hungry, self-absorbed nepo-leaders. 

“I have to admit that when the rumors first surfaced, I was a little shocked,” said Anna Lusteeks, the President of the prestigious English Honors Society. “I mean, I thought these people were my friends. I never would have thought that they would do something like this. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe…” 

At this point, Lusteek began to tear up. 

Rizz Moose, the academic co-chair of Sigma Tau Delta, continued: “We began to hear more and more about it, which forced us to launch a full-on investigation into two of our own e-board members.”

Matt Keller, the arts and entertainment editor for The Lamron, and Carly Burgio, the co-news editor, were the individuals in question. These English majors may seem like two measly Taylor Swift mega-fans, but Lusteek and Moose advised all to be warned of their secret desires to undermine the organizations they work for and morph their innocent clubs into a strict dictatorship.

“When we asked them about the conspiracy theories, they vehemently insisted that we deny any and all of the allegations. In that moment, it became clear that they were only trying to protect themselves and their other nepotistic buddies,” said Lusteek, who managed to compose herself for the remainder of the interview.  

The buddies in question, you may ask? Frances Sharples, Mia Donaldson, and Ella Pearcy are all on The Lamron’s e-board, as well as the e-board for Iris Magazine. Sharples is particularly suspicious, as they are the editor-in-chief for both organizations. It is apparent that Sharples is the leader of all nepo-leaders, and Lusteek and Moose insisted that they must be stopped. 

“Frances is really the one who got the rest of them into the whole scheme,” said Lusteek. “I fear that Matt and Carly may have been saved if it weren’t for fucking Frances.”

Moose quickly added, “Mia and Ella had no chance. I mean, I heard they’ve been Frances’s ride-or-dies since their freshman year. But still—it’s truly frightening the power they have.”

How can we stop this nepotism, you may ask? We here at The Lamron recommend that we start by publicly attacking Sharples at any given opportunity to introduce an outward attempt to seize these publications from their greedy literary clutches. Beyond this, it appears it may be more difficult than any of us could imagine. When asked about how to stop these nepo-students, Lusteek and Moose left us on a chilling note: “Be warned: the Geneseo Nepo-Leader Uprising is already upon us,” the two said in unison, as if in a trance.