Ancient catacombs’ sanctity tarnished as Geneseo townhouses flood

Imagine the surprise of countless Geneseo students when they awoke yesterday morning (Mar. 30 2023) to not only the corpses of the damned floating into their living spaces, but also wet toes (which is objectively worse). You heard that right, folks—due to the recent onslaught of storms wreaking havoc on campus, the Tombs of Asinus, sealed by our very first college president back in 18… something, has been unearthed.

Connie Lingus, resident of the townhouses since 2016 (they’ve had a rough few semesters), told The normaL, “One minute I was snoring away, ya’ know, ‘hawwwwwwnk me-me-me-me-me, hawwwwwwwwnk me-me-me-me-me,’ and the next I’m looking straight into the unthinking, unfeeling eyes of a skull! When I sat up to look around, I realized that I had been floating on a river created by the flood all Bugs-Bunny-Looney-Tunes style. I was already near Mount Morris by the time I woke up!”

Though you may not know—due to the administration keeping it under tight wraps—not only is the stretch of townhouses a hellish daily initiation for those living on Southside getting to class, but it also is the burial ground for the very first generation of students who attended Geneseo. Having made a blood sacrifice (which was later replaced with what we call “tuition”), the first generation were allowed to live their lives to the fullest, to have their wildest dreams come true, but only if their bodies were buried on campus.

Now, the exact reason for this deal is still up for speculation. Was this some kind of ancient magic meant to protect Geneseo against the upcoming apocalypse? Was this some sort of cult-like ritual meant to summon Satan himself? Did they just think it was kinda funny? No one is quite sure, but what we do know is that strange things have been occurring since the upheaval of these catacombs. 

The normaL has been tipped that not only have the laws of physics ceased to reign, but more incredibly first-year biology/chemistry professors may be feeling human emotion and empathy for the first time ever, an idea that simply goes against everything we know to be true. Perhaps even more startlingly, Campus Auxiliary Services (CAS) has actually begun offering food options for those with dietary restrictions…

So where does this leave us moving forward? How do we protect ourselves from the horrors that await us in this post-upheaval world? There’s the good, and there’s the bad. While everything is opposite, meaning that perhaps some funding will be going to the arts rather than paying the athletic director $135,000 a year (that’s a real number this is not a bit), the administration’s lack of blood magic likely means that much of their power will be lost. We may not see Milne reopen in the next decade, let alone ever, if the bodies of the first generation are not returned to their resting places.

Do YOU want to see Geneseo return to the purgatory-like apathetic state it was in pre-upheaval? Be sure to contact me, Elk Martlet, upon the discovery of any bones, rotting flesh, or pentagrams. Find me at elktickler69@aol.com and PLEASE DO NOT TELL MY MOM ABOUT THIS EMAIL ADDRESS!!!