Teddy Gone Wild

On Friday, Mar. 31, a Geneseo student was shocked when they made their way into the women’s bathrooms in the basement of MacVittie Union to find a swarm of Teddy Bears covered in a white powdery substance. 

There was a steady stream of powder flowing through the crack in the ceiling. The Bears had been toppling over each other to try to climb through the powder and up into the crack in the ceiling. Upon further investigation, it was reported by Jonny Doey, the investigator, that the substance covering the crazed Teddy was indeed cocaine. 

Doey later stated in an interview while he was in the hospital recovering: “It was a very concerning sight to see. The Teddy Bears appeared to have started dismembering and eating each other by the time they were found.”  

The cocaine coming from the crack in the ceiling appears to be flowing from a coke lab hidden in the upstairs Student Union. The coke lab is run by thousands of Bears. It was later discovered that this coke lab had been going on since the construction of the building in 1970. It is unknown how the lab was left undiscovered for so long.  

When the coke lab was uncovered, the people were mauled by cocaine-addicted Teddy Bears. The Ice Knights fought tirelessly for hours to get the cocaine-addicted bears off the man. Finally, after many broken and bloody hockey sticks, the University Police Dark Ops in Geneseo (UPDOG) was there to neutralize the situation. 

The surviving Cocaine Bears are being taken to the Livingston County Jail for Felony Drug Possession and will be held on bail for 50 million Chuck-E-Cheese coins. 

Approximately 30,000 pounds of cocaine were seized in New York State alone according to the United States Drug Enforcement Administration.  There were 11,910 reported adult arrests related to drugs in New York State reported in 2021 from the New York State government website. 

DON’T DO DRUGS!