The Lamron office set aflame just like our hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
According to an anonymous psychic’s vision, The Lamron office is said to burn down from arson on Mar. 31, 2023. The University Police Department (UPD) is investigating the case, and they do have some leads.
Lo and behold, it is speculated that on Apr. 1, The Lamron e-board’s plan is to set the office ablaze, citing that they had cried in the bathroom one too many times over an extracurricular which feels more like a full-time job. The rag-tag group had finally had enough of the grueling hours and staged a mutiny.
One anonymous member said, “Look, you can only read so many soup articles before you mentally break.”
Another former member was recorded streaking up and down the Union steps, screaming “DEATH TO THE MONARCHY!” while Victor E. Knight attempted to chase them down along with UPD, who were desperately trying to get them to put on The Lamron merchandise. Ultimately, they refused and claimed, “IT’S A CULT! I WON’T GO BACK! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”
When asked about their member’s actions, an anonymous member said: “Every week we print, edit, or merely exist with The Lamron we begin to lose our minds and eventually cry in the bathroom. Nothing works anymore—I mean, therapy stopped working pretty quickly regardless, but yeah. I thought it would be me who did it first. It was either that or arson.”
The managing editor had been heard before saying, “Fuck off Matt Keller,” and it is likely that Keller himself did see the arsonist; however, he simply blamed The Lamron staff as a whole.
When asked about the event, George Foreman, the Chief of UPD explained, “We simply cannot understand what is going on here. Initially, we had a great working relationship with The Lamron and they were always so professional and kind. I can imagine that the thread broke relatively quickly, if just last week everything seemed normaL.”
SUNY Geneseo released a statement via email following the tragedy: “It is with heavy hearts we regret to inform the Geneseo community of a loss of one of the most annoying, go-getter clubs on campus, The Lamron. The office has burned down and all of the expensive equipment (including the couch that took 7-8 weeks to get, which past members loved most) is gone. As a result of no space, and no sane members remaining, The Lamron has been disbanded until further notice—or at least until Milne finally finishes construction, but that is a shot in the dark. We hope the families of each of the members can heal from the trauma that The Lamron brought upon their unpaid children.”
Overall, the community is shaken that they will never see another normaL grace their shelves in their businesses and on the stands across campus. Of course, others are grateful to never be interviewed again by a random Lamron reporter again.
Either way, despite the drastic means that the staff planned to take, it is clear that The Lamron staff had bonded over the trauma of the work and crying in the bathroom, and those who have passed on from the staff (see the obituaries) will be dearly missed. Because despite the problems they have all encountered, all the mishaps, and stressful weeks, that is one thing that The Lamron is: a family first.
Signed, a Lamron member.