Student Association shut down after impeachments and scandals
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Pink Panther found passed out on Main Street!!!! Another member of the Stupid Association down.
After multiple waves of impeachments and undercover corruption, the Geneseo Student Association (SA) has been shut down indefinitely, and all fees will be redirected to President Denise Battles’ grocery fund after the investigation.
Last month, Student Court, headed by Chief Justice Ryan Hyzy, uncovered that the SA has been fraught with scandals and neglect. All down the gavel order, members of the SA executive board (e-board) have been complicit in the destruction of the integrity and sanctity of the SA.
Charges include criminal complaints involving theft of SA property, misappropriation of funds, embezzlement, and abuse of power. Some more serious crimes included one that landed a member in jail and the crime of public intoxication on Main Street. As these circumstances were uncovered, Hyzy had no option but to level articles of impeachment against all members of the e-board and their respective departments and committees. In accompaniment and undeniable frustration, the Student Court has finalized a decision to shut down the Student Association. Detailed below are the most severe charges:
President Orquidia Geraldino: Theft of SA property
Uncovered after an investigation into missing inventory, it has become apparent that President Orquidia AnnVenus Geraldino has been stealing computers bought by the SA for clubs and their staff to use. After further investigation, it was revealed that she stole these computers to sell on the black market for broke-ass college students to purchase at a marked-up rate. While no fault can be assigned to the students, and you may pass off her actions as a befuddled Robin Hood story, the actions of Geraldino were purely malignant.
She would keep models for herself and her friends to use. The rest of the SA executive members had knowledge of this but chose not to say anything or put up any effort to stop her. This story was uncovered after the Director of Business Affairs, Colin Henley, made a plea deal to lessen his own sentencing.
Ultimately, President Geraldino is believed to have stolen 22,849 dollars in SA funds.
SA Vice President Ashley Mae Ames: Public intoxication, conduct unbecoming a member of the SA e-board.
Vice President Ames was found wandering the streets of Geneseo on a Tuesday in mid-November at 3:00 am, belligerently intoxicated on what is believed to be a combination of alcohol and high-potency horse tranquilizer. While stuck in a K-hole, she was found on the street by the Geneseo sheriff and charged with public intoxication and jaywalking. As a result, articles of impeachment are being drafted against her for conduct unbecoming of a member of the SA board.
Director of Business Affairs Colin Henley: Misappropriation of funds/illegal siphoning of funds
It was uncovered that Director Henley was embezzling SA funds and diverting them to Men of Action and Change (MAC) for the purchase of party kegs— because what’s student government without a little creative budgeting? After all, nothing says leadership like turning mandatory fee dollars into an Orchard Street open bar!
Director of Academic Affairs Samantha Robyn Canter: KryptoKNIGHT poisoning
Having unique access to the academic departments, Director Canter was caught stealing high-grade KryptoKNIGHT from the chemistry stockroom. In a cataclysmic and strangely motivated protest, she disguised it as worms and put it in a heaping supply of Campus Auxiliary Service (CAS) broccoli.
SA Director of Student Affairs Lucas Pastwik: Voter fraud
Director Lucas Raymond Pastwik was found guilty of committing voter fraud in the recent Student Association elections. During the lunch break of the United States Army’s Environmental Command (USAEC) voter count, he snuck in to add 200 names in the affirmative for each “Swords Up” candidate.
The rest of the SA e-board, as well as their committee members, have also had articles of impeachment brought against them for general collusion in these scandals.
We at The normaL have been in communication with SA Director of Programs, Personnel, and Finance Kathleen Rebban about how the fuck corruption runs right under all of our noses. Rebban has told The normaL team, “IDK, never in the history of student governments has this happened before.” You said it better than we could have, Rebban, so what will happen to the SA next?
First, all clubs funded or recognized by the Student Association are suspended until the Department of Student Life can complete an audit to ensure that the corruption has not infected their clubs.
Secondly, mandatory student activity fees, composing the SA’s budget, will be wired directly to SUNY Geneseo’s president, Denise Battles, via BitCoin. This transfer is effective immediately. The normaL patiently awaits President Battles’ comment.
Lastly, Traci Philips, Kathleen Rebban, and Chuck Hazlett will all lose their jobs.
Since the Student Association is gone, so is the normaL…This will be our last print issue— good luck, Knights!