Best strategy to predict March Madness results
Photo courtesy of Ecarter63 / Wikimedia Commons
BYU’s Cosmo the Cougar isn’t just a mascot—he’s a fearless, golf-cart-jumping, stadium-parachuting menace. If March Madness came down to pure combat, Cosmo would leave a trail of defeated mascots in his wake.
Every year when the calendar flips to March, sports fans are treated to the annual National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Division I men's basketball, better known as “March Madness.” Legendary sports broadcaster Brent Musburger coined this popular tournament nickname in the 1980s to attempt to describe the chaotic nature of the tournament. When filling out their annual brackets, the masses always try their best to predict all the unbelievable upsets and moments of pure mayhem.
While March Madness has always been determined to be practically impossible to predict, I believe that I have found the most sophisticated method to foresee the entire tournament. The method consists of picking teams based on the combat ability of their mascot. This method has been solidified by countless professional sports psychologists specializing in sports mascot psychology. Throughout this article, I’ll break down some matchups in the tournament through this trusted and sound method.
McNeese Cowboys vs. Purdue Boilermakers:
We are starting with a competitive matchup right off the bat. McNeese’s mascot is named Rowdy, who is, to the shock of nobody, a cowboy. Honestly, I had no idea what a boilermaker is, but upon further research, I learned that it refers to a skilled tradesperson. This defines Purdue Pete, Purdue’s mascot, who carries a hammer on the sidelines of games.
In terms of a fight, it would be interesting if Pete could get in close quarters because I’m sure he could do some serious damage to Rowdy with that hammer. But if we abide by the serious tone of this article, Rowdy is undoubtedly blowing Pete away with his trusty pistol. So don’t worry about the fact that Purdue is in a better conference and that they were in the national championship last season because Rowdy is going to take care of business.
St John's Red Storm vs. Arkansas Razorbacks:
This prediction is our first major upset because I have Johnny Thunderbird coming out on top over Big Red. The people who think I’m out of my mind are unfamiliar with Johnny’s game.
On the official St John's athletics website, the thunderbird is described as the following: “A mythological spirit of thunder and lightning believed by some Native Americans to take the shape of a great bird. Boasting feathers as long as a canoe, the legendary thunderbird can generate lightning, thunder, and great winds by flapping its wings and blinking its eyes.” I mean, Johnny rocks, and I think he is gonna fry Big Red into some nicely cooked hog meat with his spectacular thunder powers.
Brigham Young University (BYU) Cougars vs. Wisconsin Badgers:
Cosmo the Cougar going up against Bucky the Badger might be the most highly anticipated mascot matchup in the entire tournament. Neither of these gentlemen is afraid of committing merciless acts of violence, but I have to go with Cosmo because this man is an absolute lunatic.
Cosmo is known for daring stunts, such as parachuting into BYU’s football stadium— even jumping over moving golf carts. These incredibly dangerous stunts convinced me that he will tear Bucky into little badger pieces.
Now that I’ve revealed my secret to producing that ever-elusive perfect bracket. I trust that the readers of this article will use this information to remove the stress that comes with filling out their brackets. Stop blindly making practically hopeless picks and start impressing your friends with your extensive ball knowledge by using this trusted method.
All of these predictions are a result of countless hours of research and hypothesis testing, so you would be an absolute fool to think of this method as nonsensical. Whoever adopts and embraces this method is guaranteed to produce a perfect bracket (no mascots were harmed during the research process).