How to survive a horror movie
Photo courtesy of 0xMemer / Wikimedia Commons
Think you could outrun Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers? I hope you have good stamina. Run like your life depends on it because it literally does (duh). Run bitch, run!!
As an avid horror enjoyer, there are many things that I believe could have been avoided in horror movies if the characters weren’t so goddamn naive and just plain stupid. A lot of the shit that happens in these movies could have been avoided if protagonists had minded their damn business, but nooooo, everybody has to be a hero nowadays. That’s bullshit, save yourself bitch!
Starting off strong with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), which should be the easiest way to survive in any horror movie by doing one simple thing: not entering strangers' houses. That’s it. That’s how you survive.
Since I was raised with common sense, I wouldn’t enter a stranger's house, let alone walk into their home and dig through their personal shit without their knowledge or permission. Name a quicker way to get fucked up by someone, I dare you. I don’t blame Leatherface for cutting a bitch up— he was just dealing with a home invasion.
Tusk (2014) follows a controversial and arrogant podcast host with questionable morals who goes missing in the backwoods of Canada for an interview and ends up staying with a strange, older man.
Once again, if you want to see the sun come out tomorrow, you probably shouldn’t stay at the home of a “kind” stranger in a foreign country that you don’t know. Like, hello?! This is Survival 101, people! Trust me, that isn’t the worst of it, either. You’ll never guess what happens to this guy, but believe me, it’s so royally fucked up, and I don’t think I would wish this on my worst enemy. You’ll miss the person you were before you watched this.
The Ring (1998), better known as Ringu (1998), is a household name in the horror scene. People continue to watch a cursed videotape of a girl named Sadako who kills the person (or people) in seven days. I have a great solution to this; it’s called: get your ass up and walk away!
If you hear that a tape of some little ghost girl is killing people within a week's notice, you have two options: live the rest of your days doing whatever the hell you want or turn off the television before she leaps out of your screen and murks your ass. It’s quite simple, really.
An unruly classic I love to visit is Friday the 13th (2009): A version filled with nothing but insanity, sex, boobs, more sex, Jared Padalecki, and a monster of a man who hates horny teenagers and will do anything to stop them from having sex on his land. Jason Vorhees has haunted Crystal Lake for decades, and you would think people would stop vacationing at their soon-to-be final resting place.
The second someone advises you not to go somewhere because people keep going missing, you should probably take your luggage and get the fuck out of there. There is nothing extraordinary about a lake with a malevolent history. Take your money and vacation elsewhere!
Alright, I know what you may be thinking… “Footloose (1984) isn’t a horror movie!” Well, that’s actually where you’re wrong because what kind of shit is this? Do you mean to tell me that this whole town is scared of the “satanic power”' that is song and dance, but they aren’t afraid of their daredevil children who risk their lives for shits and giggles?
Give me a break! I’m shocked that the town banned flash mobs instead of tomfoolery. You’re afraid that your child will end up a criminal, or worse, dead? They’re already criminals, you dummy! These people need to have an intervention and some serious therapy sessions. I think that would save lives, but hey, what do I know?
Thank you for coming to my “TED Talk” on how to survive a horror movie if you have even the slightest of survival skills. Stay safe, don’t die, and don’t talk to ominous strangers you don’t know unless you want to end up on the side of a milk carton!