Ragtag group of rebel chickens close dining halls in attempt to resurrect fallen brothers

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To bathe in the blood of the sinners who murdered his friends and family.

Students campus-wide woke up yesterday morning to flocks of thicc, flightless birds (not penguins) surrounding all major eating establishments in SUNY Geneseo. The Orwellian nightmare seems to have come about overnight, the University Police Department (UPD) being too distracted by giving out parking tickets to notice the flocks being moved into position. 

University Police Sargent Brock N. Rubbers, the first officer to report the incident, recalls waking up to flashing green and yellow lights from the second floor of Letchworth Dining Hall around 6:30 a.m.

“I was sleeping off a bad one,” Rubbers said, “when I hear a chicken doing his morning song right out my window. I didn’t think anything of it until I realized I don’t live in a 1950s cartoon.”

State Troopers were called in shortly after UPD approached the gang, quickly finding that they were outmatched in terms of both numbers and intelligence. Every time a member of law enforcement approached, the flock shattered a window and spat leftovers in awe-inspiring coordination. There was nothing UPD could do.

Though there was a strict restriction placed around the halls, which didn’t stop a few students from approaching the dangerous group. Martha Fokker, who grew up in rural upstate NY on a farm, approached using the calls she learned in her youth. Her friends reported later that the chickens let her into MJ—then, there was a scream, and more flashing lights. When Fokker came back out, she appeared to be stuck speaking in Chicken.

“BACOCK!” she reported to The Normal team, pecking seed out of her friend’s palm in anxiety. Our interviewer was able to spot a small incision on the back of Fokker’s neck.

Later that night, an individual with the State Troopers once again approached wearing a full suit of SWAT armor. All the windows had been broken, the pieces of garbage falling uselessly against the Kevlar. Once the trooper reached the door, he was surrounded by countless chickens.

Any witness to the scene would have turned away in horror, expecting this to be the end of the man’s life. However, the chicken stepped forward with something between its beak. An anonymous tip to The Normal disclosed that this was a copy of Mary Shelley’s classic nineteenth-century novel Frankenstein. All the pages had been ripped out except the notes about electricity and reanimating corpses with bits and pieces taken from the dead. The word “storm” was circled in chicken scratch frequently.

You heard it right, folks. It seems that the dining halls across campus will be shut down and surrounded until the next thunderstorm. Blessing, or curse? Countless petitions have already emerged demanding that dining dollars be refunded, but we all know how that will go. At least there’s a smaller chance for another breakout of tapeworms.

Do you have insider information/speak Chicken? Email us at elktickler69@aol.com.