John Cena set to take over for Denise Battles
Photo courtesy of Eva Rinaldi / Wikimedia Commons
This is what John Cena will do to Denise Battles if she doesn’t leave the office when he tells her too.
On Aug. 23, 2024, all members of the Geneseo community received an email from President Denise Battles. In this email, Battles announced that she would conclude her presidential service in the summer of 2025. It is with great respect that we say farewell to Denise Battles and display a grand welcome to SUNY Geneseo’s new President— and his name is John Cena.
Last year, Cena made a shocking announcement to the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) Universe that Wrestlemania 41 will be the last wrestling match of his career. Starting in the fall of 2025, John Cena will be SUNY Geneseo’s new President. Cena has made his newfound position known by announcing a list of tour dates on his Instagram and Twitter from June to August. Unfortunately, no one took this announcement seriously due to Cena’s strange and off-putting history on Instagram.
Millions of Cena’s followers flocked to his page to see a poorly-constructed poster featuring odd dates and times at different locations throughout the Geneseo campus. It is safe to say that many people thought Cena was joking until he posted a follow-up of himself with a deadpan stare and an ominous caption that read, “No, like, I’m being fr this time.”
Cena has already decided to change Geneseo’s merchandise to fit his own brand. Instead of its regular navy blue and white design, Geneseo students will now be able to choose from a variety of items sporting Cena’s face and his signature saying: “U Can't [GenC Me.” Shirts, sweatshirts, and hats have gone from a plain navy blue and white to red, lime green, deep blue, orange, and the other bright shades that he has sported throughout his wrestling career.
Cena’s excuse for this sudden change was to show the WWE universe the versatility of Geneseo students and staff, something he criticized the WWE universe for after they kept calling him “Fruity Pebbles,” a term associated with him ever since his feud with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in 2011.
Cena has also taken his liberty as Geneseo’s new President to bring Wrestlemania to Geneseo, making it free for all students to attend. Not only are the tickets free, but upon their arrival, students will also be given a free Geneseo t-shirt, tote bag, and a sticker with Cena smiling ear-to-ear in a slightly too-tight suit.
The only downside is that Spring Fest will be cancelled to make time and room for WWE superstars. This event will allow these superstars to make their dramatic arrival to the campus. Wrestlemania will not be its usual standout show with long walkways, extravagant pyrotechnics, and the usual superstars you would see, as the Student Association does not have the budget for all that.
The 16-time champion has wasted no time getting acclimated to Geneseo, as he has already made his way to just about every small business in town. By far, Cena has announced that his favorite store at Geneseo is Touch of Grayce. He was absolutely enamored by the amount of knick-knacks in the store and managed to leave the store with all kinds of accessories. One of our reporters attempted to ask him questions about his purchase, to which he responded with, “You can’t see me!” as he ran away and swiftly turned the corner onto Center Street.