A Starbucks worker among us evaluates your drink order
The Geneseo community is a vibrant one, comprising many students with all different lifestyles; few aspects of the campus are more uniting than the on-campus Starbucks, a source of universal patronage for $7 lattes and an assortment of breakfast sandwiches. One little-known (or perhaps highly known… I talk about it quite a bit) fact about me is that, apart from my being a writer here at The Lamron I am also a Starbucks worker and, subsequently, have quite a few opinions on the drinks I make during my shifts.
Today I will be ranking eight popular Starbucks drinks based on how much I enjoy making them and, in some cases, how much I hate making them. Disclaimer: please take the following list with a very large grain of salt, and please continue to order whatever drink you prefer even if I tear it to shreds; I’ve ordered most of these drinks myself and will probably continue to do so despite the frustration they sometimes induce. Alright, now let’s get started with the list!
8. Iced chai: This is an absolute classic and a blessing to see in a drink line. For many baristas, including myself, it is the first drink learned because it is just so darn easy: chai pumps, milk, ice, done! It is a delicious drink with a bit of caffeine and a bit of spice, and a joy to make.
7. Iced teas and tea lemonades: This might be a bit of a hot take among my peers, but I don’t mind making iced teas—peach green tea lemonade, sweetened black, green, or passion tea, etc. They’re not nearly as common as some other cold drinks, they are easy to make, though a bit tedious, and they are certainly refreshing. I am not an avid iced tea drinker myself, but I do partake in some peach green tea sipping every once in a while, and I understand the adoration.
6. Shaken espressos: This ranking may be another divisive one. Shaken espressos (like the ever-popular Brown Sugar Oatmilk variety) are definitely not easy to make; they involve quite a few steps and a shaker, which is always a bit of a hassle. But there is something about pouring milk over the frothy bottom layer of espresso that I find satisfying every time. I will also use this ranking as an opportunity to beg you to NEVER order a shaken espresso without ice: shaking espresso without ice will immediately cause the liquid to spill all over us because of some physics that I don’t understand, and if we avoid shaking the iceless espresso you will simply have a latte. Light ice is okay, but please, spare us the mess and get some ice.
5. The latte (and its variants): Iced lattes are a step up in effort from the iced chai, but not really by much; rather than just syrup and milk, the iced latte (as well as mochas, upside down macchiatos, etc.) involve preparing espresso shots, pumping any desired syrup into the cup, and—my favorite part—pouring the espresso into the cup and doing a fun little swirly motion to make sure the syrup is well-blended. Hot lattes and cappuccinos are a bit more work, as is anything with steamed milk, but I really enjoy pouring them; and since iced drinks are so popular, a hot latte can be a nice break from the monotony.
4. Iced matcha (aka the green tea latte): As a fiend for iced matcha, the drink’s pitfalls are ones I’ve had to begrudgingly accept. While the milk steamer allows smooth blending in a hot matcha, we make iced matcha in drink shakers by combining scoops of matcha powder with milk and ice and rigorously shaking this mixture until it looks somewhat edible. I’m not really sure what causes such clumpiness in the iced matcha, but for whatever reason it feels as if my arms are going to pop off like LEGO pieces by the time I finally get a good consistency. This drink also tends to be very frothy when poured back into the cup, which is always a bit annoying. But it gets some extra points for being a pretty green color and my drink of choice (I never said this list wouldn’t be immensely biased.)
3. The caramel ribbon crunch Frappuccino: Frappuccinos are difficult to rank as one entity, since there are so many varieties. The basic steps to make each frappuccino are the same, but the inner workings change depending on the drink. The most heinous example of a standard Starbucks frappuccino is, in my opinion, the caramel ribbon crunch. This drink has the standard workings of a frappuccino along with whipped cream at the bottom of the cup, caramel swirl and crunch inside the cup, as well as whipped cream and crunch on top. I sometimes find this supremely decorative process fun, but when I’m bombarded with drinks there is truly nothing worse than seeing one of these enter the line. I find this frappuccino especially disturbing when ordered before 12 p.m.
2. Anything with sweet cream cold foam: Sweet cream cold foam has enamored the Geneseo community. People get it on everything—lattes, shaken espressos, matcha, refreshers, regular coffee—everything. And I get it; the cold foam has a mysterious sweet texture not unlike ice cream and can be an intriguing topping to an otherwise standard drink. That being said, it simply does not work with every drink; attempting to top a frothy drink like matcha or shaken espresso will result in the froth enveloping the cold foam, and it does not look pretty. And as much as I feel annoyed when I see another matcha with sweet cream cold foam, there is nothing worse than seeing visible disappointment on a customer’s face when their matcha topped with sweet cream cold foam looks like a sad bubbly mess. There are also few moments more disappointing than seeing an iced chai—the aforementioned easiest-drink-ever—and noticing that it is topped with the time-consuming cold foam. In conclusion: sweet cream cold foam is popular, but it does not need to be on every drink ever.
1. Strawberry acai refreshers (venti, sub lemonade, light ice, no fruit): I know that outwardly condemning such a popular drink might cause me to receive hate mail in my Geneseo-sponsored mailbox. I know that just by writing this I am risking it all—my job, my friends, my place in the campus community. But I am tired of standing by as my fellow colleagues and I continue to be inundated with hundreds of these evil drinks. I’ve never had one and thus cannot speak to their taste but facing drink lines full of these will never cease to annoy me. I’m sorry to the many who love this drink, but I would do anything to ban its consumption for just one day. We deserve a break from this pink nightmare.
Dramatics aside, that is my list! I hope you enjoyed receiving unwitting judgment for the things you like, and if I’ve missed a drink that you particularly enjoy, please feel free to let me know by joining the angry mob that will no doubt follow me around when this gets published.