SUNY Geneseo Student found hoarding 69 animals in room 420

We have gotten word from an anonymous student that their friend Jack Signal has been hoarding 69 animals for two weeks, including over spring break, in dorm room 420.

“Who bloody knew Jack would pull this stunt,” said the anonymous student. “He actually threatened me. He said he would tell everyone I helped him if I told anyone.” 

The student said that he found 29 squirrels, 12 chihuahuas, 20 kittens, 8 goldfish, and a partridge in a pear tree, who were all dead by the time the room was cleared out. How he was able to get a pear tree into the dorm room alone still boggles our writers today.

The Normal reached out to Signal for an interview only to discover that Signal dropped out of Geneseo as soon as our anonymous source reported his actions. 

“That bloody Jack… he went and packed his shit as soon as I said I was gonna contact The Normal,” he said. “The next day, the only thing left was a letter that wrote to me—‘From Jack…always have your guard up.’”

According to our informant, the squirrels were caught on campus, the chihuahuas were adopted from the pound, the cats were stolen from the local cat lady, the goldfish were bought from our local Walmart, and the partridge in a pear tree was going to be a gag gift for his girlfriend next Christmas.

“I told the wanker it’s too early for that! Why would you keep the poor bird that long?” the student said, in regard to the partridge specifically. “His girlfriend was also the cat lady, and that was when I had enough!”

We talked to the local cat lady, who didn’t notice that some of her cats had been stolen. 

“Normally I have hundreds of cats around this time, so thirty or so going missing is nothing.”

The campus contacted the proper authorities to take care of all the animals; Animal Control was called for the squirrels, the pound for the cats and dogs, an animal sanctuary for the partridge in a pear tree, and the cleaners to clean up the dead fish.

We are all happy to report that the incident was cleaned up without a hassle. There were many anonymous reports of students checking out the scene without permission of the janitorial staff. 

“No one is allowed to use room 420 for the time being due to this incident,” said an anonymous janitor. “I just wish the brats would just leave me and the boys alone. It’s hard enough cleaning up animal droppings, piss, and dead fish! Add the constant questions from these brats, and we have enough to deal with for the day.”

So please, don’t disrupt our janitors. They are doing all they can to keep our campus as clean as you can expect given the unhinged shenanigans that we report.