March Madness: Saint Peters draws blood as they enter the Final Four

This past Sunday, Mar. 27, the Saint Peter Peacock’s overcame historical odds by beating the North Carolina Tar Heels as the first NCAA 15th-seed bracket to advance into the Final Four. The small college located in Jersey City, New Jersey has received unprecedented acclaim from both college basketball fans and March Madness enthusiasts. 

Commanded by their valent leader and head coach Shaheen Holloway, the star-studded team hit the courts with hype coursing through each of their six-feet-or-more bodies. The Peacocks began their underdog narrative by winning against the second-seed Kentucky Wildcats in the first match of the tournament. The nation expected these New Jersysians to roll over and take a beating from the Blue and White Kentucky team with stars like Oscar Tshiebwe, who scored 30 pts over the game; however, the Peacocks proved their skills with stellar performances from Mustache (Doug) Edert and Daryl Banks III, scoring a combined 47 points for a final score of 85-79.

After winning their first game, St. Peter’s supporters grew as the team proceeded to roll through competition in Indianapolis and Philadelphia over the Murray St. Racers and Purdue Boilermakers, respectively. The fury and flame the Peacocks had from game one was challenged by the defense of their opponents, but their spectacular finish to the 67-64 game against Perdue won over the hearts of many basketball fans—their ability to compete against these higher-seeded teams was both impressive and unrelenting. 

A long way from home, onlookers at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia noted the Twitter-famous Edert during warmups in his baby-blue shoes and infamous mustache. The game opened with starting guard Banks III scoring a three-point shot from the tip-off, and from this moment on, the Peacocks’ success only ascended.

The Tar Heels watched in horror as they attempted to stop St. Peter’s, but within the first 10 minutes of the match, the Peacocks had charged ahead by 18–0. The only reason their scoring was stopped was due to an alley-oop from Banks III to Kenechukwu “KC” Ndefo, who obliterated the tempered backboard. Due to the small size of St. Peter’s college, the NCAA tournament was temporarily moved to a local high school for the remainder of the game.

The game resumed with a few points from the Tar Heels, perhaps due to the change in environment. A missed free throw from North Carolina’s Brady Manek marked the beginning of the end for the team. At 46-11, Edert crossed Manek, immediately shattering Manek’s ankle on the court. As medics tended to the player, a chest pass to Ndefo wielded such sheer force that, as he ran up the court, his shoulders sprouted angelic wings. He leapt over the entirety of the Tar Heels for another dunk. College basketball fans watched as forward Fousseyni Drame’s eyes burned bright blue, staring intensely at the basketball as it levitated directly into the net. It was at this time that the live broadcast cut out, but spectators reported watching in terror at the entire St. Peter’s team grew multicolored talons from their backs, shredding through their jerseys.

The North Carolina Tar Heels have not been identified since Sunday’s game. However, the Peacocks will be attending their first ever Final Four game and will be the first ever 15th-seed to do so. It seems there is nothing opponents can do to this team’s downright biblical swagger.