Recent Wi-Fi issues caused by frat prank; mass chaos ensues

Recent reports of shitty Wi-Fi have been circulating across campus. Thousands of students have run mad in the streets of Geneseo, causing utter chaos at having no access to dumb cat videos, Only-Fans, or Yik Yak. Store fronts have boarded up their windows, locked their doors, and unleashed war cows on the sidewalks of Main Street to protect themselves from the onslaught of college students.

According to CIT, the Wi-Fi issues began one night when a fraternity, who shall remain nameless, broke into CIT headquarters in a drunken mob and changed the campus Wi-Fi password, locking CIT, students, faculty, and staff out of the network entirely. 

Dick Fucklstein, a sophomore Citrus Grove Management major and employee of CIT, said in an interview, “Honestly, fuck me. This whole shit show has been running us up the walls. I haven’t slept in eight days. My boss has been pounding back oat milk cappuccinos to stay awake. We have tried hundreds of thousands of possible passwords. ‘Lozenge,’ ‘Titzz,’ ‘1234,’ ‘4321,’ ‘420420,’ ‘6969.’ Nothing has worked so far.” 

According to Fucklstein, CIT has scheduled an appointment for the internet company to come out and reset the password.

“The appointment was scheduled for last week. We still haven’t seen the cable guy. Fucking Spectrum,” Fucklstein said. “My friends and I skipped class to wait for him. Fucking guy never showed up. Probably still banging his last client… I’m so lonely.” 

According to internet security expert, Colon Fecal, it could take a lot of effort to see any improvement in the Wi-Fi. “You see, the way Wi-Fi is, there needs to be blood. I have done extensive research on this topic, and only blood will fix the Wi-Fi. I didn’t record any data or anything, but in my experience, when blood is spilt, you tend to get what you want.” 

Campus administrator Anya Neeze gave a statement: “You see, Wi-Fi is not a thing, it is a state of mind. If you are having trouble connecting on campus, I recommend you look within, go out to coffee with some friends, or join a club or organization on campus that you are interested in.” Neeze recommends yoga to connect both with other students on campus, and to connect your energy to the energy of the universe. 

It is unclear when the Wi-Fi issues on campus will be resolved. In the meantime, CIT has been using hot spots to allow Wi-Fi access in public spaces. However, students have not been fooled by this, and as hot spots become overwhelmed and fail, more chaos ensues. 

One student, senior auctioneering major Ader Titsoff, speaks about how the situation has affected him. “I mean, I’m from the city. I hadn’t even heard of regular cows before. But war cows? Fuck me.” Titsoff shares his struggles with the Wi-Fi. “I haven’t been able to do anything for the past week. I can’t watch Only-Fans, that YouTube video of the thing and the other thing at that place, take obscure zodiac sign quizzes… oh, and my final project for my capstone course.”

Tensions remain high on campus as the Wi-Fi is still inaccessible and CIT scrambles repairing and establishing new hot spots. No one knows when or if the Wi-Fi will ever come back on. We can only hope that in our lifetime, we will all see the war cows make their final journey home.