Staff Editorial: Why The Lamron is the worst publication in print

You may know of The Lamron as the newspaper you put down on your floor for your dog to pee on, the kindle of the fire that you burn in the Onondaga field to feel something, or the stuff you used to wipe your butt with. Little might you know, however, that The Lamron is also a student publication, made by real-life people who actually “work” on it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking—why would someone put effort into a paper that sits on newspaper racks for months (maybe years) at a time, only to be pooped on or thrown out later in life? Well, we are here to tell you that, as the people who work on this paper, we have no fucking clue.

Each week, The Lamron E-board spends hours brainstorming article ideas, writing, editing, printing, uploading, photo-taking, collaborating, and bullshitting to make this stack of paper that does nothing but take up space. Some of those activities might sound fun to you, and if they do, we would strongly encourage you to attend some of our meetings and express that interest. Before you do though, it is only fair that we give you full and honest disclosure of what it is really like to make The Lamron.

Working on The Lamron is the worst decision that anyone could ever possibly make. This fucking publication will take up all (ALL) of your time and energy each and every week. By the end of your time at Geneseo, you will have spent years of your life editing out Oxford commas and formatting articles (guys I’m so serious. It’s just single-spaced, Times New Roman. Please do it, it crushes my soul every time I have to change it, please please please, I’m begging. Also, learn how to spell). On production days, you will not see the sun. When you have to sit down and write an article, the world around you will crumble.

This paper has consumed our lives. We are nothing without it, and it is nothing without the civil liberties and freedoms of each and every person who works on it. This paper is a parasite—it feeds off of the joy and creativity of Geneseo’s writers, leaving them AP formatting-addicted shreds of the people that they were before.

“The Lamron causes me to cry myself to sleep each night,” said Sports Editor Mia Donaldson.

“I have been sitting here thinking [about a quote to describe The Lamron] but there are no words I have [to describe] the life-suckability The Lamron possesses,” added Arts and Entertainment Editor Kat Johnson. Very concise and to-the-point, Mia and Kat! You should write for The Lamron.

“Before The Lamron came into my life, I had hobbies,” Lamron Editor-in-Chief Sarah Sharples said. “I remember a time in which I used to wake up and feel joy. I had friendships, relationships, even casual acquaintances. I used to read and write for fun… I went to bed at a reasonable hour.” 

Wiping tears away from their eyes, Sharples continued, “I’ve never been a part of something so quick to take away people’s will to live. I need to get out. For real. No like for real, does anyone want to take over? This is a real request. Can you put my contact information at the end of this article?”

E-board members of this godforsaken publication also indicated existential crisis, over-exhaustion, self-loathing, sleep deprivation, migraines, panic attacks, nausea, rage, caffeine dependency, and hysteria as side effects of writing for The Lamron.

We as an e-board have no idea why people continue to write for this paper. No one is reading this. We could write whatever we want and no one would notice. That being said, we’re thinking about making merch or something sometime soon, so if you join maybe you’ll get a t-shirt? Idk. Print is dead, America is illiterate, all news is fake news.