An idiot’s guide to the apocalypse: Maneater edition

The end of the world is near. Animals have gone rabid; they’ve escaped zoos, and they’ve left their natural habitats in search of blood. Their typical prey has shifted dramatically, and they are now out for humans. Humans have now become their meal of choice, including the herbivores, who would now choose to kick you to death and leave you to rot. Humans are no longer the top predator; instead, they have become the lowest on the hierarchy. Here are some simple rules to follow in the case of a maneater apocalypse:

1. Top 10 animals to avoid according to the level of danger to humans: lions, hippos, elephants, crocodiles, scorpions, assassin bugs, dogs, snakes, and most importantly, mosquitos.

2. The famous tale of white women saying, “Here kitty kitty,” is sure to cause death when faced with a tiger; just look at this YouTube video, Joe Exotic - Here Kitty Kitty (Official Music Video). You’ll notice that these tigers were in cages; but in this case of an apocalypse... just no. The phrase “six feet under” will be your new mantra after it gets its four-inch claws into your skin.

3. Feeding the animals is a big no, because in this world, you are the meal. They do not want scooby snacks or your leftovers, and that includes those cute little raccoons on your back porch.

4. Birds become dive bombs when they attack, and let me just say that an umbrella is not likely to stop that—stay behind metal if possible.

5. Do not actively seek out animals to hunt. They are better hunters than you will ever be. Plus, your aim doesn’t have much against their speed.

6. Remember, you are not as cool as you think you are. Just because you think you could fight a bear, does not mean a bobcat won’t take you out—you are not a Roman gladiator.

7. You are not Steve Irwin; you cannot rehabilitate these animals, nor can you catch them bare-handed. Saying, “Aye, mate look at this” and trying to grab a vicious predator is not going to work out in the end for you.

8. The size of the animal doesn’t matter—a domesticated dog can now kill you. Avoid all animals, even your beloved family pet.

9. In case you run into a predator, you do not have to worry about running faster than the beast, you only have to run faster than the person with you.

10. Finally, most importantly: work with other humans, not against them—strength in numbers can help you survive (sometimes).

These are the simple rules one could follow in the case of an animal-induced bloodbath. When in doubt, use this acronym as a reminder: DMWTA—Don’t Mess With The Animals.