You can’t be friends with your ex

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Your ex is toxic. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.

Ah, yes. The age-old question: Can I still be friends with the person that I broke up with? This question has plagued humanity for at least the last fifty years. After social norms surrounding dating and relationships loosened from the strict standards of the 1950s, many found it easier to explore with relationships.

With this new-found freedom comes its own set of problems. Today, we will be discussing whether you can remain friends with your ex without things getting complicated.

To start, let's define what a “friend” means in this context. A “friend” is a person that you are hanging out with, calling, texting, or otherwise associating with regularly—let’s say twice a week or more, on purpose, and outside of any mutual clubs or organizations.

So, I don’t mean “friend” as in being nice or polite to your ex when you see them, but rather that you go out of your way or block off a large portion of your time to be with them or be in contact with them. Most people in this situation who want to be friends with their ex give the excuse that they are friendly enough with each other and have enough chemistry to keep a friendship alive. First, check your motivations. Do you actually think that, or are you trying to stay close to your ex for some other reason? Are you afraid of hurting their feelings, and think that offering friendship as an olive branch will help? 

News flash: they don’t want to be your friend; they want to be your partner. Being friend-zoned, especially after having a full-blown relationship with you, is probably more painful than the breakup itself.

It can be hard to rip the band-aid off, and it might come off as cold not to follow up with something that sounds like “we can still be friends.” I get it. But ultimately, it hurts the person you are with who probably only agrees to be friends because they hope you will one day change your mind.

Maybe you want to stay close with them because of an emotional connection that you value, but that will eventually become a problem for everyone. You will have other people you want to pursue, and so will they. Do you think both of you can be friends and have new partners around each other without getting jealous?

Most people find it suspicious and even incriminating if their partner is still hanging out with, or even just texting, their ex. It looks like cheating, or at the very least, that you are still in love with your ex. Very few excuses can be made, and it will corrupt whatever relationships you try to cultivate in the future.

You. Broke. Up. For. A. Reason! One or both of you wanted out of this relationship, and the type of deep connection that develops in a relationship can take a while to fully let go of, even for the one who initiated the breakup.

Now, I would be remiss to fail to acknowledge the couples who say that they are capable of having a full-blown relationship and still being friends after a breakup. My response is this: one or both of you is lying.

Perhaps for you, you simply lost the feelings or passion within the relationship. But did the same thing happen for your partner? Even if they say that they are okay with being friends, do you really think that is true? Maybe you do, but is it really worth potentially dragging out the pain of the breakup even further? Having weird and awkward moments, watching each other move on?

Let’s do a quick review on outcomes: it hurts your ex, it hurts you, and it hurts whatever new partners you may have. While that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly or at the very least polite to each other, it does mean that being friends most likely isn’t an option for you.

With that said, good luck, happy trails, and once you jump off the train, don’t try to run along next to it.