Santa’s reindeer ranked
As we roll into the holiday season, Main Street is decked out in garland and lights, stores are having deals, and radio stations are playing Christmas music. On Thanksgiving I watched Miracle on 34th Street with my family to kick off the Christmas season, and the opening scene showed Santa walking down a street in New York City. He stopped to critique a store owner arranging his window decorations; Santa claimed that the store clerk had the order of the reindeer mixed up, and that there was a very specific order that the reindeer must be in to pull his sleigh. It got me thinking: does Santa have favorite reindeer? And if so, which ones are they?
Now I am no Santa—believe me, I do not have what it takes to break into people’s homes and arbitrarily reward or punish children based on my own personal and primitive standards of good and bad behavior. However, I have listened to copious amounts of Christmas music over the past 21 years, and I think I can figure out which of the reindeer are objectively the best, in order. So, without further ado, Santa’s reindeer ranked from worst to best.
First up is Blitzen. She is the worst reindeer by far. She honestly sounds like a pick-me: plays football, drinks Bush Lite, wears her baseball cap backwards, and has a vocabulary of less than one hundred words.
Next up is Donner. Donner has so much potential but is really boring. It’s not her fault—she is painfully socially awkward, but there is no excuse for a lack of interests or hobbies. Donner’s favorite character from Arrested Development is George Michael, but her personality is more like Buster, but without the mommy issues.
Third worst is Rudolf. No, Rudolf is not the best reindeer just because she has a sob story about not being the most popular reindeer in high school. 90% of people, and subsequently reindeer, were not the most popular in school. Having your own song doesn’t make you the best reindeer, it just makes you the most famous reindeer.
Fourth worst is Cupid. First of all, why are you named after a god of love—that’s a Valentine’s Day thing. Second of all, girl, don’t pretend that you aren’t secretly crushing on Blitzen. You can do. So. Much. Better. Don’t fall for the pick-me—it’s toxic.
Fifth is Dancer. Dancer is kind of mid. Blitzen thinks she’ll be easy to land, but Dancer is just oblivious to her advances. And honestly, even if Dancer could tell that Blitzen was making her move, Dancer probably wouldn’t even care.
Next is Prancer, a carbon copy of Dancer. It’s kind of hard to tell if Prancer just clings to Dancer because she has no personality of her own, or if we are blessed with two mid reindeer. But the reason that Prancer is better than Dancer is because she has a cooler name.
Okay, now onto the top three. Third place is Dasher, because she clearly is the fastest, and that has to count for something. Bronze medal for Dasher, and a rub on the head for moral support. I mean, Dasher sounds so sweet—don’t you just want to wrap your arms around her neck and hug her?
Second place is for Vixen because she is a badass. Vixen is the gal you call for some little kid lives in a remote mountain village with no landing site. She’ll get that kid his tickle-me-Elmo, whatever it takes. She’s a little more rugged and doesn’t mind a little sleet. She picks on the other reindeer when they get tired or start whining. Silver medal for her and a cool secret handshake.
Finally, folks, number one is Comet. Comet is the kind of gal that will have a cold beer with you at the end of a long day but is also down for tea or coffee in the morning with a good book. Comet is the girl you ask for help in your calculus class and the girl that you call when your partner just broke up with you and you need a shoulder to cry on. Comet is the main character.
As a final note, I wanted to point out that all of the reindeer are women, because Santa’s reindeer are often depicted with antlers in winter. Male reindeer lose their antlers in the winter while female reindeer don’t, and I think this is an awesome moment of female empowerment.
If you don’t like my rankings, write a response and fight me—I’m dying to tear you to shreds over some reindeer.
