Teletubbies ranked by color
Well, this article is coming right out of the purple, so buckle up, we are going for a ride. Today, I will be ranking the Teletubbies by color. Disclaimer: I am color blind, so this will be interesting.
I want to start off with that creepy-ass sun baby. Ah yes, let’s traumatize the children. Not only does this thing freak me the fuck out, it also encourages children to stare at the sun! Spoiler alert: you won’t find a baby up there! Let’s blind the children before they even get a chance to see this cold, dark, cruel world. How is that even possible? Do they kill someone and stick them in the sun like it is a version of hell? Something fishy is happening here.
Moving on to the Teletubbies. Let’s start with gray tubbie number one. This one is a darker gray and is called “Tinky-winky.” He, or it, I don’t know, is topped with a triangle on his head. Is this an antenna? This is literally the only thing going for this “thing.” Triangles are great, so for that reason, and that reason only, this tubbie is ranked number one out of the four.
Now let’s look at the Teletubbie number two. This one is called “Dipsy.” I know the color for this one—it is light gray! Shocker. They weren’t very creative with the colors on this show. This one has a long stick sticking out of it. I can only assume that this came from a failed attempt to kabob him. Unfortunately, we are stuck with this one. I will take this opportunity to share that this dude is ten fucking feet tall. Um, no thanks. I wish the kabob attempt worked. This one is rated two out of four because it survived the kabob attempt.
Next is “Po.” So far, this is the best name. All of the other names sound like someone got sloshed and decided to make a kids’ show. This name is giving Kung Fu Panda vibes. Moving on to appearance, this one is a medium gray color and has a fucking circle on top of its head. Circles, many of which are vicious. You know what else is a circle? A wheel. You know what wheels go on? Cars. You know what cars do? They crash. Therefore, this Teletubbie promotes violence. I would rank this tubbie as number three out of four.
Big RIP to my search history at this point. This Telletubie is named “Laa-Laa.” I shit you not, look it up. This one is a very light gray and has a bendy straw on its head. Or is it lightning? I don’t know. You decide. I don’t like this one. It freaks me out. This one is rated four out of four.
This show is absolute trash. I have so many concerns regarding this program I don’t even know where to begin. Grab your tin foil hats, the tubbies are taking over.
Soon after finishing this article, the author was dragged out of the room by the tubbies and was never seen again. Here are their last words.
“You know what? This whole thing is bullshit, the public is in real danger here. No, let go of me. I will publish the truth! No, someone hit submit, hit submit God damnit! Don’t let them win!”
May they rest in peace. We will always remember them when we look to the sky, as they are now trapped in the sun.