Charlotte the Seasonal Oracle
Photo courtesy of Oleg Mikhailenko / Pexels
Charlotte was an icon to the people of Geneseo and her legacy will live on forever. She currently resides in groundhog heaven and has all of the treats she could ever want.
For eleven years, a Groundhog Day scandal has been kept under wraps, and that all stops today. From beyond the grave, I got the opportunity to sit with Charlotte, who has been denied a last name by those trying to cover up her existence. Charlotte was murdered at the hands of Bill de Blasio in 2014. She is finally ready to speak her truth about what happened on that fated day.
Firstly, Charlotte had an important disclaimer before the interview started, stating that “ I wasn’t even supposed to be there! Ever notice how they kept calling me Staten Island Chuck all day?”
I was greatly confused by this until she explained that “I was just a stand-in for Chuck because he bit that stupid mayor back in 2009. Hell, if I knew that all I had to do was bite a mayor and they’d find another groundhog I would have been like a piranha up in that bitch.”
So not only did Charlotte stand in because a man was being too emotional to complete it, but she did not even get credit until after her death. Charlotte had some choice words for the Staten Island Zoo employees, when she called home, saying, “Sleep with one eye open, mother fuckers.”
I asked her why the employees would try to cover up her filling in for Chuck— was it in true sexist fashion? She had no clear answer but did explain their defense: “They wanted to preserve the sacred groundhog brand. If they cared so much about their brand, maybe they shouldn't have picked Chuck in the first place. He has always been a biter.”
She continued, “Did you know Chuck was a biter even back in kindergarten? He had to sit on his hands almost every day! But no, they don't tell you that in the news, they just force their propaganda onto my brand and my gender!”
At this point in the interview, Charlotte began to get emotional as I asked her questions about her death. “Well, for those that know, Bill’s dumbass dropped me live on the news. Instead of treating me like the national treasure I am, they just brushed it off and put me back into the zoo to recuperate.”
Three days later, Charlotte was found dead. Her cause of death was internal injuries. For years, Charlotte watched beyond the grave as nobody took accountability for her death, including the murderer himself. She haunted him for years and finally broke him down in 2023, nine years after the incident.
“He finally admitted to it, thank gosh. I think his last straw was the letter I had my friend Stan send. We put a groundhog print on a piece of paper in red ink and mailed it from the Staten Island Zoo.” She pauses to laugh for a moment. “Oh my goodness, you should have seen the look on his face. It was priceless.”
It was refreshing to see Charlotte able to laugh about her unjustified murder. She did still have some complaints about Bill’s admission of guilt. “He blamed his butterfingers on the fact that he is not a morning person. What kind of bullshit excuse is that, Bill? Do you think I wanted to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and look for a stupid shadow? No, but I’m a professional, so I did it anyway.”
Charlotte’s final message to the audience was to “...stop hating on the groundhogs for not seeing their shadows. I mean, come on guys, you think I wanted to bring around a million more weeks of snow? No, I just see what I see and move on.”
Bill de Blasio can no longer hide from the truth! I am honored to share Charlotte’s story with you, and I have one final message for the masses: SUPPORT YOUR CAMPUS NEWSPAPER!