CAS Food: the number one cause of death in Geneseo

Poison. Yep, poison. 

CAS food is out to kill, and the administration is behind it all. 

Geneseo has suffered major budget cuts in the past few years and is clearly struggling to keep up with student demands. The school did not want enrollment numbers to suffer, so they came up with another solution.

We have all suffered the effects of the food on campus one way or another, many of which were rather mild when we had the old meal plan. There was a reason the Campus Auxiliary Service switched to the unlimited meal plan—I think it was an elaborate scheme to start killing off college students. The quantity of food has increased as the quality majorly decreased. The only possible explanation for this is that they are putting poison in our food.

Many of you may be wondering, “what poison are they using?” Well, here is your answer: radium. 

What is this, 1920? They obviously can’t come up with anything better. We all knew this school was stuck in the 20s, but man, now this school is really showing its age. Even their poison is outdated! 

In the fall of 2021, students started dropping like the fruit flies in contemporary biology. The school won’t admit to this scheme, but the evidence is abundant. 

One student by the name I. C. Yadick reportedly witnessed a group of freshmen collapse after indulging in the gray sludge at Mary Jemison dining hall on Oct. 23. Numerous sources have come forward stating they find it safer to eat the grass outside the dining hall than to eat what is served inside them.

Another student, Ben Dover, stated, “I’d rather eat vomit on Orchard than the food in the dining hall.” Finally, Orchard Street is providing something positive, other than STD test results, to the community.

It is of student opinion that the school should be charged for their crimes, but we all know that the state won’t provide funding for such compensation. The most compensation that the school has offered affected students thus far is a CAS gift card that can only be used at the unlimited dining locations.

If you, or a hated one, have been affected by Denise’s vendetta, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Contact absolutely no one for more details because no one really cares.