Ask Minerva #4
Dear Minerva,
I had plans with some friends and one of those friends ended up being late. The other friend had messaged him, telling him the event was canceled, to which my late friend showed up much later, despite the cancellation. He got very upset at this, and I later pointed out the fact that he was late anyway. This late friend has a history of being quite problematic, and I’ve tried to help him see his errors and change. It’s no use. So, I guess my question is how to guide someone to be better who is also unwilling to change?
Sincerely,
Mediator
Dear Mediator,
That’s so upsetting to hear! I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Ultimately, there’s some bad news here which is: if someone truly doesn’t want to change, they will NOT change. You can give them insight, you can be honest, you can be kind, you can be all sorts of different things but they will not change. This doesn’t mean that the situation is helpless but that you may just have to accept the fact that if this person truly doesn’t want to change, they won’t
What you can do is simply be honest. You have been affected by his behavior, it seems, and I would be upfront about what behaviors are impacting you and the friendship you have with one another. Don’t be afraid to be blunt, even going so far as to say directly, “You are hurting my feelings.” or “Your actions are making me uncomfortable.” Being an advocate for yourself is so important and, while it’s kind of you to try and better this person, you truly need to be there for yourself and prioritize your needs.
Being a good friend means being honest. It’s important that people are made aware of their actions, especially when they’re harming close friends. Thank you for being kind, for being aware, and for trying to help. However, be kind to yourself too and make sure that your needs are met in this friendship. Your feelings matter and if you find it detrimental to your mental health, taking a step back from the relationship may just be the best outcome. Be honest and be true to yourself.
Sweetest regards,
Minerva Gulp
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