The coffee of lies
Nothing makes a Monday morning 8 a.m. class better than a steaming cup of coffee. That first sip of coffee in the morning sets the mood for the rest of your day. So, when you take a sip of a warm cup of brown liquid, you expect the rush of caffeine most of us have come to know and love. But what if that rush doesn’t come? It looks like coffee, it smells like coffee, but it lacks the drug most of us crave.
Oh my God—it’s decaf.
Whose idea was decaf? Who hurt you? I cannot think of one person in my life who is says to themself, “Thank God for decaf coffee.” Some people may not want caffeine in their system, but I don’t get it. You took the most magical liquid in the world and sucked the life right out of it.
Do you know how decaf is made? Well, let me tell you. According to Britanica, “Coffee beans are steamed and then rinsed repeatedly with a chemical solvent to flush away the caffeine.” Um, what?! And you think drinking the drug caffeine is bad—wake up and smell the methylene chloride, because that is what’s in your coffee if you are drinking the demon decaf. I would like to note that Britanica also says that methylene chloride is a solvent used in paint stripping. So, yeah. Think about that.
The process of decaffeinating coffee takes way more energy than anyone is willing to admit, making the entire process a waste of time. By the time the decaffeination is done, I guarantee that all the employees leave and go get a real cup of coffee.
Decaf does not even taste like coffee, and you know why? It is the immense amounts of chemicals used to remove the naturally-occurring caffeine. I know the coffee companies claim that it is all good and well, but I don’t trust it. I can’t quite put my finger on how it tastes different but ask any coffee drinker and they will know exactly what you are talking about.
Nothing is more disappointing than going to the dining hall and seeing that all they have left is decaf. Of course that is the only kind left—people don’t like it! Anyone who has a choice between “normal” coffee and decaf, and chooses decaf, is a lunatic. How are you surviving? Are you okay?
If you are choosing decaf coffee thinking that it has a stronger likeness to tea in terms of the caffeine level, you would be wrong. Tea, on average, has more caffeine in it than decaf coffee, according to The Spruce Eats.
Waking up in the morning is hard enough without coffee, but drinking decaf can pull you into even more of a delusion. Avoid the coffee of lies and join me in The Lamron office for a real cup of coffee. Opinion office hours are from 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m. on Fridays. Stop on by!
