Second annual Lamron e-board member ranking
Per Lamron alum Mia Donaldson, “Greetings readers! For this edition of The normaL, I’m readily taking the opportunity to be as vicious as possible and rank my fellow e-board members (using their government names) based on completely baseless, yet entirely true, criteria.”
Camryn Marshall
The girlboss—Cam could definitely take anyone on in a fight and come out on top! A real finance queen, we need to get her a briefcase after all the hard work she’s done this year. Cam always comes into the office seemingly post-nap with a wicked RBF, but she’s the sweetest gal once you start talking to her. Her fiancé is pretty cool too.
2. Kaitlin Anzalone
The literal mother of The Lamron, Kate would ride and die for all of us for very different reasons. She is by far the e-board member of the year, who has the funniest slip-ups when trying to convey the nicest messages. This icon is really always doing too much for The Lamron, but we all adore her for the hard work—“Can I hug you?”
3. Regan Russell
A true 80-year-old in a 19-year-old’s body. Regan is the most colorful member of The Lamron, and is a true crochet queen. She’s from Bethel, NY, where Woodstock took place, and is very much giving “farmer-girl hippie” (her best friend is definitely a cow). Possibly the happiest member of the group.
4. FP Zatlukal
A true professional yapper, FP is by far the most crotchety of the group. FP is literally never having a good day, and he makes sure you know it. He talks about things no one on planet Earth has ever heard of and it’s blatantly obvious that Doctor Who takes up about 80% of his brain power. Gives off true little brother vibes.
5. Kendall Cruise
Kendall is possibly the calmest human I’ve ever met and truly has a grandma-meets-alternative-core feel. They’ve written almost every Staff Ed. over the past year, and are absolutely not upset about it. If you want a good look into Kendall’s vibe, check out timestamp 36:39 into Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
6. Nia Jones
Nia is always cozy and comfy in the office, but somehow never doing work. A heavy metal and wrestling queen. Nia is insanely sweet, lovely, and is oh-so soft-spoken. I still need to try her “world-ending, fantastic, amazing peach cobbler,” because apparently, “to die eating it wud be to die happy.”
7. Nate D’Amato
Listen, Nate is a super nice and funny guy, but he is a glorified lawnmower who has never shut the fuck up a day in his life. He is the loudest man on planet Earth. I hear him in my dreams. When Nate comes into the office, you WILL be awake if you weren’t already. He is, however, just here to have fun, spew ideas, and prophesize through screaming; “photo of a movie theater.”
8. Nikolete Michalkow
An off-the-shoulder slayer, Nikolete is never afraid to ask a question, no matter how silly said question may be. The Lamron’s retail sugar momma, she is SUNY Geneseo’s top retail dollar philanthropist. In all honesty, without Nikolete every edition of this paper would be an absolute shit-show. The true savior of the news section.
9. Nevaeh Tucker
Nevaeh is super quiet and to herself, but possibly the silliest out of all of us. She’s always a few minutes late to e-board—but it’s okay—because she's a health-conscious yoga queen who dresses to the nines. I wish I had more to say, but I only see her once per week.
10. Angela Totaro
The newest member of the band, Angela is a professional observer of The Lamron chaos that unfolds daily. She is super nice and a real Canva-master. Hopefully, she will be around for a while to make sure everyone knows what's going on with the paper!
11. David Potter
David would absolutely be ranked higher on this list if he didn’t completely dip on us this semester. He is always giggling, bringing good energy, and full of confusion. Davey Gravy is the type of guy who would get deeply philosophical if given the leash to yap long enough. The snack wrappers behind his chair are a problem in our “food-garbage-free” office, but we’ll get over it because we all love him.
12. Dylan Dariano
Dylan somehow always looks confused and/or lost at all times, and is just here for the vibes, honestly. He gives big brother vibes and is always ready to dish out funds for friends’ late-night mozzarella stick needs. Dylan has the most perfect amazing sweetest smartest fiancée ever. She is the perfectest human ever, and actually, Dylan's best personality trait is his amazing perfect smartest-ever fiancée.
13. Nathan Hubbard
Yikes, this guy. Nate is a Diet Coke queen who has the diet of a toddler. He’s never sitting in a way that would ever be deemed appropriate for the actual situation he’s in. He’s also lowkey built like a Pokémon trainer, ya know what I mean? If you’re ever on the lookout for Nate, just find Dylan! “It’s time for second dinner… want to get a Byrne Dairy pizza?”