Rating Cartoon Network shows
If you were a kid with daddy issues, you were probably sitting nice and pretty ready to watch some of the best, and sometimes worst, television made for children during the 2000s and 2010s. Here’s my rating of some of the most memorable offerings for kids produced for Cartoon Network during that period, from best to worst. This will probably hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.
Regular Show: 205/10
An absolute banger, the number one silliest, goofiest show of all time next to The Amazing World of Gumball. Mordecai and Rigby are the dumbest employees who somehow repeatedly get themselves into life-altering situations. Every 11-minute episode is worth the watch. The baby ducks? Yeah, they’re cool as fuck. I wanna be just like them when I grow up. Every person has a favorite episode even if they weren’t a huge fan of the show.
We Bare Bears: 9.5/10
There should be more love for this show. These bears are so fucking cute. You mean to tell me a panda bear, a polar bear, and a grizzly bear live in the woods with completely different personalities and call themselves brothers? That’s so cute, I am literally on my hands and knees sobbing. Panda and Ice Bear are obviously my favorites (no shade to Grizzly). Panda is such an anxiety-ridden sweetheart who loves K-Pop, while Ice Bear is perceived as being very stoic and distant, but has a very different side to him that most audience members don’t truly understand; he is incredibly smart, talented, and caring. Much love to the cutest bears on Cartoon Network.
Courage The Cowardly Dog: 8/10
Wait a minute…someone cooked here…but it’s a little burnt. Don’t get me wrong, the show was great, but I think I had actual nightmares because of some of the monsters in this show. Muriel turning into a monster was actually terrifying and I will never forgive them for betraying me like that. Most definitely a little too scary for most children, especially if you watched it by yourself.
Chowder: 3/10
RADA RADA. I love Chowder! It’s incredibly silly and goofy and was a staple throughout most of our childhoods. My main issue with this show is Panini. She sexually harassed Chowder for three seasons, constantly disregarding his disinterest towards her. They somehow ended up being married in the season finale. Not a great show for children since it completely ignored Chowder’s ability to consent and it showed children that if you’re persistent enough, you’ll get what you want.
Teen Titans Go: 1/10
A literal diss to the original series. When they said Teen Titans was coming back, fans were elated. The last Teen Titans project was Teen Titans: Trouble In Tokyo (2006), which was a complete banger by the way. How insulted do you think people were when these knock-offs appeared on the screen? Don’t play games with me.
The Problem Solverz: -100/10
If you have never seen this show before, you’ve probably saved yourself a trip to the hospital. The excessive use of flashing and bright colors is enough to make any kid vomit their lunch and speak in tongues. The art style is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen and I couldn’t even tell you what the characters are supposed to be. My vivid reaction to this show as a child was genuine terror. I watched a full episode once and I could only see bright colors for a good five minutes right after. Terrible experience. It was originally pitched for Adult Swim but was re-tooled as a children’s show for Cartoon Network. The animation is enough to give children nightmares.
Cow and Chicken: -2,296/10
Okay, so I know some of these aren’t actually Cartoon Network shows, but bear with me. Which one is the most disturbing? Cow and Chicken, Ren & Stimpy Show, or CatDog? I’ll give you a moment to think about this…Awesome! So the answer is all of them! NEEEXT!
Uncle Grandpa: -1,987,204/10
You would have to waterboard me first before I sit and watch this garbage. Absolutely fucking not!
Cartoon Network produced some really great shows, but also some of the most awfully created pieces of poop over the past 20 years. If I could erase some of these shows from my memory, it would probably make me a better person.