Main Street bear threatens to attack graduating virgins
It has long been an urban legend that if you graduate from SUNY Geneseo while still a virgin, the Emmeline Wadsworth Memorial Fountain, known as the iconic “bear fountain,” on Main Street between Center and Bank Streets will come to life and maul you to death. The fountain was installed by Herbert and William Austin Wadsworth, who were descendants of Geneseo's founding family, and donated the fountain to the town in 1888. According to the Association for the Preservation of Geneseo, “They dedicated the fountain to Emmeline, their mother, an animal lover.” Of course, many campus stories such as this have been told over the years, with the Erie Hall ghosts or vegan options in the dining halls being some of the most prevalent. Unlike these myths, however, the virgin-attacking fountain bear has been proven true.
In 1970, several of SUNY Geneseo’s graduates had not taken part in the free-love movement of the 1960s and ‘70s. While unsuspecting students waited their turn to get up on stage and receive their diplomas, which they had spent the last four years working for, panic ensued. The bear crawled off its post and onto the stage attacking graduating virgins in front of their professors, friends, and family. Tragically, there were no surviving virgins.
While little is known about why the bear gruesomely dismembered students who had not had sex, Geneseo has learned to take preventative measures. I had the chance to speak with an unnamed SUNY Geneseo campus leader who stated that, “While as a school we stress safe sex, these students need to get laid.” They continued, “The school cannot handle any more lawsuits regarding the bear, it’s so embarrassing.” The community has tried in the past to remove the bear from the town, but the Livingston County Historical Society and Museum has vetoed every attempt. They claim that the fountain is a critical part of Geneseo’s history. They argue that watching people not know if they should treat the fountain like a traffic circle or a four-way stop is a beloved pastime within the village.
The Geneseo administration has vowed to stop these attacks by urging students to have sex before they graduate. A campus leader told The normaL, “It only takes one time…30 seconds at most.” Geneseo has been put on the defensive as they work with students and staff to get as many Geneseo students laid as possible in the two months before graduation.
CAS has been instructed to serve more aphrodisiacs—foods meant to increase your libidos such as chocolate, oysters, hot chilies, and honey in the hope of getting students in the mood. Several other sections of campus have jumped in to help, such as the health center which will be handing out condoms to all patients, and residence halls will now be eliminating quiet hours.
For students who plan to wait for marriage, the Interfaith Center will be performing Las Vegas-style quickie weddings for free on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday nights. Jones Hall will be converted into honeymoon suites for the newlyweds. While it is strongly encouraged to use protection at the end of the day, what's worse having a baby or getting mauled by a bronze bear? On second thought—I'll leave that up to the reader.