Can you ever be you again?
I have never played or been a fan of the hit 2015 indie game Undertale, created by Toby Fox, never following the lore nor known anything past the generic Sans-related lore that comes with the title. My ignorance has been highlighted lately through my social media feed, where I have continuously seen and ignored two side-by-side 2-D panels of a character looking into a mirror with a simple sentence placed below it; yet, my phone's continuous reprisal of the topic showed me it needed to be acknowledged.
The panels in question focus on the same figure, the game’s main character, looking at themself at two different points, something inevitably heart-wrenching happening in the time between, saying to themself, “It’s you,” in one, and “Despite everything, it’s still you,” in the other. Whether it be the simplistic complexity of the image, the lines of self-evaluative thinking this evokes, or the profound meaning this imparts to the player, these images unleashed a fire within me that only ranting about it can fizzle out.
The main complexity of this image lies in its inherent meaning: Regardless of what changes you make, what life-altering changes occur, or anything else, at the end of the day, you will always be you—for better or worse. Though this may seem evident, it’s not always that simple, especially as we all continue through the journey that is our lives.
Over the last two years—my college career—I have thrown myself into the pits, trying to find and embrace what I always thought would make me feel like me. While trying to find myself, I embraced change and accepted the weight of needless burdens, but through doing so, I felt I lost a crucial part of what made up my individuality. For a long time afterward, I struggled to find and reclaim this thing I thought I’d lost, while simultaneously never knowing precisely what it was, just knowing that something felt fragmented.
Life is convoluted. Not everything makes sense, including our actions at times. Sometimes, we make choices that end up casting a shadow onto us, making us change how we look at ourselves; believing that all which remains is a shell of who we once were, but that’s never the case, and it won't be unless you accept it as such.
Remember, as Don Cheadle put it in Manic (2001): “...wherever you’re going, you’re still going to be there.” Things like rage, sadness, and impulsivity are all parts of life. These factors do not control us, but they sure do affect us. It is okay to feel and embrace your impulses, but you must maintain what constitutes you—with regard to the respect and well-being of others, obviously.
That’s the tricky thing about this topic: As we continue through life, we give up more pieces of ourselves to obtain what we deem necessary for our well-being. In trying to find ourselves, we initially lose track of what we want, though that sounds somewhat cliché. In the face of change and stress, you must remember what is truly important: Maintaining yourself and your being—in all forms of the term—even if that means sacrificing what you deem necessary to achieve.
At the end of the day, what you feel constitutes you is not always what truly comprises you. No matter where you go, you will never be able to leave yourself behind; you will always be there waiting on the other side of the tunnel.
Do what feels right. Do what makes you feel like you because, regardless of what change or unforeseen catastrophe occurs, “Despite everything, it’s still you.” So, please take care of yourself. Do what is best for yourself, and never lose sight of what your reflection truly is: you.
Thumbnail photo courtesy of Pexels